i wake up but I never truly wake up.
What at I mean is that my eyes open and my mind is awake to the idea of knowing it’s a new day and I need to get up. But my body is physically drained. My mentality is dead. My heart is tired and my motivation to get through another day is just nowhere to be found.
I am just so exhausted.
I have a job which I love but the motivation to get up is just…. I can’t. I hate it. My feet drag, my eyes water, I’m so tired, always. And it’s not a lack of sleep or over sleeping. My being has just been worn down to the core in every aspect of life.
When im happy I give and give and expect nothing in return. When I’m angry and hurt, my soul, heart and mind are in constant motion of battle trying to decide if I should fuel the fire or try and be happy again. it all builds up
and I’m so tired of feeling this way
i just want to rest
5 comments
Holy smokes I’m feeling the exact same way right now-except that I’m very sleep deprived. Only manage to get about 4 hrs a night which is terrible for me since I need at least 8 hrs. I was thinking the same thing as you, how worn out I feel, how much I don’t care about life anymore.
Well there are still a few things I do like which keep me interested, but for the most part, I feel kind of dead inside. So tired, heart-broken, unloved and wanting love, feeling unattractive and over-the-hill. I also live in a certain bubble in my life where I just see the same people over and over and don’t meet new ones which could help my life get better.
Still I have enough desire to go on, to see if my life improves-to experience the good things it has to offer. Frankly if I felt I already did it all, cleared my bucket-list so to speak, I’d probably be much more motivated to end my life. Thinking about dying or finding a good method to end it is a major problem all by itself-as bad as trying to keep living a life you hate.
I felt this way a lot. No matter how much sleep I got I was always exhausted. If I woke up in the nite I was afraid to look at the clock cuz I was terrifed I only had a little time left to sleep. Even when I started needing, and getting, my 12hrs a nite (that’s not a typo, I need 12hrs a nite and often at least a 2hr midday nap.) Of course I knew I had major depressive disorder, and I was being treated for it. But when I became too weak too shower without a stool to sit on, I knew something had to give. The one physical symptom I could prove to my doctor were swollen glands that I got constantly under my neck, like more days than not. It was that symptom that I could prove, though there are more if u look online.
I was diagnosed with what was formerly known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, though it’s been renamed Systemic Intolerance Disease, which makes me sound less just this “tired person.” Plus, the differnce between “syndrome” and “disease” r huge, and I hope this will make doctors take us sufferers more seriously.
I hope u don’t have it but I hope this helps u start looking for answers. The CFS page on Wikipedia is really helpful. Good luck, and if u need support, come and knock on my door 😀
I also have CFS/ME, or SEID if you prefer. I also realised it was more than depression when I stopped being able to sit up for long, although a plethora of symptoms have come on since then. I sincerely hope for you it’s a part of your depression, which it sounds like from reading your post. Do you have more energy when you’re happy?
I hope you find ways to stretch out the happy times into longer ones. Stay strong. Keep searching.
I’m so sorry, I really was hoping it was “just” CFS for u and nothing more serious. Have u had a full body CT scan?
As for me, unfortunetely, I do have CFS. Along with the depression that I’ve been fighting for 20yrs (yes, since I was 8 and back then they thought it was just fine to give adult strength doses of Prozac to kids…) My main issues r severe fibromyalgia and polymyalgia (the little old lady disease). Among a host of wonderful other physical and mental problems both caused and not caused by those. I think u already heard the doctor cut me of and the new dr won’t give me any opiates which is all that helps. If I just had my fentanyl patches I’d be ok, hell, wouldn’t bother him for all my other meds. This withdrawl keeps dragging on as I try rationing the very last pain pills I have, even snorting half of 1 to get the same relief as swallowing 2. There’s 4 left unless I have more hidden somwhere.. Now I’m back to using my cane and the scooter at the store, which I only used to need rarely, on really bad days. I had to get my walker out of storage yesterday to bring in 2 sacks of groceries and my man-bag (shut up, when u have kids u have to have a lotta crap on hand lol.) And it TERRIFIES ME. A walker at 28?! I do stretch out the happy times, but then I go from limping to hobbling on the sides of my feet til I literally cant walk anymore. I’ve had to learn to drive with my left foot for when my right gets too tired. When the meds run out and the symptoms and pain are at their full force, I’m so scared I’ll be bed ridden. Cuz it’s happened many times before.
@FreeToFall, my comment was to the OP. But prepare yourself for a long response, haha. 🙂
I haven’t had a full body scan, but I’m almost certain it’s CFS. None of my symptoms can be put down to anything else, and they’re very typical of ME/CFS. When I saw the ME/CFS clinic they asked, ‘do you think you have ME?’ I said, ‘yes…’ They said, ‘that’s good. Some people are adamant they don’t have it. That makes things easier for us.’ At the time I would have preferred to have virtually any other disease on Earth. I can see why so many people desperately look for another cause for their symptoms. It’s not the disease itself but the potential perpetuity of it.
Severe fibromyalgia sounds horrible, I’m so sorry to hear that. I don’t know how they diagnose fibro, but from reading other people’s experiences it sounds like ME, except the ‘main’ symptom is pain rather than fatigue. Some of the ME cases I’ve read about sound similar to fibromyalgia ones. Maybe you could clear that up for me?
The withdrawal sounds like hell. I’m still in disbelief that they left you in that condition. Sorry, I might have missed the answer to this – is it an option to find another doctor?
I’ve been thinking/worrying about being bedridden lately. I’m not close to it, but I’ve spent so much time in bed lately because I’m so intensely uncomfortable anywhere else. I can feel my symptoms getting more severe and… it’s strange being left to wonder if they’ll continue to get worse, level off or improve. I have a stick which I should use more often, because it helps a lot. Ideally I’d like to get some crutches. By the time I started using the stick, I’d already lost things that were deeply important to me. I was a little stunned that I could actually have reached this stage, but at the same time I’d needed one for a while and it gave me a lot of relief. The walking stick was my dad’s. Not long before, he gave me a stool that he never used. That was a relief too, because I could sit and cook or brush my teeth without the same pain and confusion kicking in. But I hardly bother with it now, mainly because I can’t be bothered dragging it from room to room. I’m putting less effort into trying to live a normal life at the moment. I worry sometimes that I’m letting depression hold me back from what I could be doing, but I know it isn’t that. It’s just that every Goddamn thing brings on the symptoms. Usually I can only complete the beginning of a task and then I have to wait for them to finally start to wear off. The pain isn’t severe, but it still bothers me, and the ‘brain fog’ is awful. Some people can laugh about it, but out of all my symptoms that terrifies me the most.
Anyway, back to you… Your situation is really worrying. Please, if you can, find another doctor. The idea that you could end up in that state because of one ignorant doctor is awful.