Hello. How are you?
I have a bit of another social problem. See, I have self-harmed for a long time, and I know how to deal with in. i.e. hiding the scars, dealing with the problems on your own, making sure no body finds out. That kind of deal. I’ve sat on that side of the fence for a long, long time – then I just left the park entirely.
It seems I have entered into someone else’s park, but I’m sitting on the other side of the fence. Today I discovered the cuts on a friend’s wrists. I say friend, its a very loose term to be honest – I don’t think I know him well enough. I promised him that I would help him, being the idiot that I am because I have absolutely no idea what to do, being that I am very new to this side of the fence. I don’t want to recommend alcohol and drugs because I don’t think my experiences were healthy. I honestly don’t know what to do. It’s not so much the ‘doing’ part of it, its just the part about knowing what to say to him when we’re talking about things. I get lost there. I just have no words, I have all of these thoughts and processes to convey, but the words that escape from me are coming back all damaged.
If you have any tips or advise on what to say, I would be very grateful to receive that knowledge.
Its difficult because I don’t want to become the middle man, as it were. There’s a rift within our social circle that’s got him into a kafuffle, and I don’t want to pick and choose sides between good friends of mine; but it seems the politics are swaying that way. I need to find a way of talking to him about these situations without making him feel like shit because a lot of the harsh words that have been said are true – but it isn’t really good for him to hear right now.
So please, insert friend advise below.
3 comments
I can’t address the social circle issues for you or him. You are going to have to muddle through that one as best you can.
What he needs most right now is a genuine connection with another human being. Show him your scars, tell him – briefly – how they got there, and then sit back and listen. Accept that he may not want help and take it gracefully. If he wants to talk he will.
Right now listening is the important part.
Good luck. Remember, you don’t have to solve his problems – only he can do that. Just give him a chance to get his issues in the open.
…and maybe that will be helpful for you, too.
It’s hard to know what to say when you don’t know the people involved. Plus, it’s such a delicate issue. It can make people close up, or make them defensive or upset. The best thing you can do is not force help or advice on him, but make it clear that you’re there to talk to. It sounds like you’re doing that already. 🙂 If you don’t know what to say, just tell him that. There aren’t any right or wrong things to say in that situation. All you can do is be there.
Ah where to start on this one. Listen. That is all he needs. I don’t think you even have to show him anything. You don’t even have to talk. All you have to do is listen. He’ll talk if he is able, if not just knowing someone is listening makes all the difference.
When I was younger I was never a talker but what maid the pain bearable was I had one person who would listen. I never said a word to him, and he never pushed. He just sat and listened, even if it was to me simply breathing.