Im new here, and already after reading some of these posts I feel like I have found my people . haha. I dont know where to begin. Isnt that ironic? Since I dont know how to end it either? Man, Im funny.
Im a lonely, cowardice, self loathing 22 year old mother and wife who lives in a repetitive world that she oh so badly wants out of. Im very exhausted from living a lie.. Living to make sure to not step on my husbands toes.. I long for connection. I wont get it from him. When he attepmts, which is rare, it is forced.. I have a feeling he hates me and resents me for having his baby since he wasnt ready. He has told me that he feels nothing for her. He has actually tried to kill himself by slitting his wrists.. And I feel it is partially my fault. If I had been something better he wouldve found worth in life.. But atleast he came back.
But since then he only wants to sit in front of the tv. Its been like this for months… And if I try to talk to him or connect with him he becomes severly angry…
I have no family to run back to. No friends.
My daughter amazing, but she deserves better than this. I dont want to repeat the vicious cycle that my mother has created, which is a cycle of pain.
So, that is why the thought of death has been on the forefront of my mind.
7 comments
If you are seriously considering suicide consider putting your child up for adoption, by the sounds of it the father would not be loving and may even kill himself. If he is a legal guardian than he will have to sign the papers, if he doesn’t you should look for alternatives because he should not be responsible with a child’s life.
You might try looking for a different partner before any of that though since you say you want connection. Love is a powerful force and the right person may distract you from feelings of self loathing and the repetitiveness of the world around you.
Good luck.
Thank you. Very helpful.
Bleh people can be such freaking idiots- “I have a feeling he hates me and resents me for having his baby since he wasnt ready” well if he wasn’t ready then he shouldn’t have been having sex, it’s obviously a side effect of doing the nasty, and if he is feeling like that then he needs to look in the mirror, it takes two.
Here’s the thing- him slitting his wrists? his choice, his actions, absolutely nothing to do with you. “If I had been something better he wouldve found worth in life..” NO. that’s poor reasoning. Who you are has nothing to do with his choices, if he can’t find worth in life that has nothing to do with the people he’s around. He came back, but he says he feels nothing for your child and he just sits in front of the tv, he shows little affection for you, and becomes irate when you try to talk to him… Is that really such a good thing?
Honestly, where you are now doesn’t seem like the best environment for your daughter. If you ever want to leave, you could try a women’s or family shelter, there’s a lot of them out there. They offer help in a lot of ways. You could probably benefit from it.
Things can improve for you.
the idiot part wasn’t referring to you it was referring to his actions, sorry I’m a little angry at the moment
I wish I could agree. Its just.. Years ago he was such a nice person. He was so sweet. Its hard for me to just pick up and walk away. Id love to if I was strong. I know that I need to be for the sake of my daughter.
It’s entirely possible that side of him is still in there. But at the moment, it’s hiding itself pretty well. It doesn’t have to be a forever thing, but you know that you can’t handle who he is at the moment, and change isn’t possible without knowledge and motivation. You wouldn’t necessarily be giving up on him (though it is possible that a permanent separation will be required if he isn’t willing to consider changing or seeking help), you would just be putting your daughter’s needs first, which really is the best thing, since she doesn’t have the option to.
Or do what PineBapple said.
And you have to keep in mind that being young and in your position adds to the stress and negative feelings, but that doesn’t mean you can’t figure out a way to get out of it, or ask for help
You are both are in a bad place. My heart goes out to the three of you. You are reaching out here, which is a great step. Let’s keep that forward momentum going, shall we?
Doing nothing, simply enduring, merely carrying on is not going to solve anything so it is time to make some hard choices. Here are some suggestions from me – a 55 year old white male that’s had my share of sour isolation in relationships. Things can get better but it’s going to take honesty and a commitment to growth from both of you.
First you are going to have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship. You sound like you do, but you may be only paying lip service to a role you feel you’ve been assigned to. So think deep and hard about that question. It’s OK to want out! So as you ruminate on this you need to set aside feelings of guilt and obligation. Look at your family like a stranger would. What would be best for them?
OK, that was the easy part.
Next, you are going to have to accept that the problems you are facing are making your life unmanageable. You are going to have to ask for help, seek counseling, accept guidance, and act on it. But wait, there’s more… You are going to have to tell your husband that he needs counseling to. Yes, this is ultra hard.
What I’m doing here is drawing from guidelines of a few 12 step programs I am familiar with. You and your husband are locked into a destructive situation and both of you need to break out. Instead of addiction to alcohol or narcotics, you and he are trapped by despair and anxiety. The end result is the same; things are only going to get worse.
So you are going to have to stage an intervention to save both of you. This means you are going to have to tell him that you both need counseling to get better. You are going to have to tell him that if he doesn’t agree then you will divorce him. You will have to mean it and be prepared to carry though with it.
I know this sounds like an impossible task. But you have so few options. Being nice to him doesn’t make things better. Leaving him alone doesn’t make things better. You both obviously need help. Something has to change.
Get counciling ASAP. A therapist will be able to walk you through the next steps to take and hold your hand while you do them. You can save your daughter a lifetime of pain by acting now.
You can do this. Today just think about where you are at. Tomorrow maybe make a phone call. Next week perhaps a visit to your local community mental health center. Take small steps. It’s OK to feel reluctant guilty scared hopeless small overwhelmed. Just keep trying.
Please keep us updated on how you are doing.