My first cut

My hands are trembling. I really want to, but it is wrong. I should’nt feel like this. It is wrong. Which sane person gets pleasure from pain. Self inflicted pain. But it sets me free. It sets my soul free atleast for a while. And the scars lighten and disappear eventually. It’s not like i am murdering someone or even commiting suicide. It helps me put things in perspective. My mind isn’t clouded anymore. I forget my sorrow and pain. The emotional pain. It disappears. The sting takes over all that I am feeling. I can cope with it. Yes. I know I want to. The cutter is in my hand. Two inches should do it. On the arm. Its less visible. Yes. And I won’t be close to any vein. Its just the skin. It will heal. The blade pierces through my skin. Leaving a red scar. Its starting to swell. Ha! That feels good. Mighty good! I roll my sleeve down. Now I can work. I head out to my desk. “Hey wassup!” i shout out to a colleague grinning. They all think I’m the happiest person they know. Oh she never frowns, she never shouts, nothing ever makes her angry. I put up a really good show. If you only knew. But you never will.