I feel dead, physically, being so tired, can barely stay awake, and being in so much pain that I can barely move. I fear losing my jobs even though my bosses of one job work in another location from me now, but I know I’m dozing off all the time. It takes 2 muscle relaxers now to get any effect, and I’ve barely touched them. Remember, I asked for the rx to kill myself initially, but since I’m not just yet, I’ve used them sparingly. My back hurts worse than ever, my legs hurt like hell, my knees hurt like hell, the bottoms of my feet hurt like hell. I can’t take it. I haven’t had my testosterone this week so far. Partly because I’m ‘experimenting’ and skipping it this week; and also, I don’t have the money for needles anyway so I can’t take it, because I don’t have even one left to take it with. My roommate offered to give me some needles, but his are the same size as the ones used to draw it up, and there’s no way in hell that horse needle is going in me! I use the smaller needles, like insulin users use, the tiny ones you can’t even feel. But, I’m going tot ry to see what happens anyway, without it. There’s an energy drop anyway since the last time I got my T refilled, they gave me the generic again. Yes, the brand name is the real deal and the generic is weak as hell. I know more than a few trans guys who agree. It just depends on the pharmacy being out of the generic for you to score the brand name.
But, in short, my life still feels so empty, like there’s really no purpose, no real reason to go on, knowing that I’ll be alone and I’ll lose my best friend and true love to someone else eventually. I feel like there’s nothing to look forward to, because I won’t get anywhere by April, and I’ll be homeless again when my roommates move out of state. I’ll never get ahead in my jobs, and I don’t have a master’s and 5+ years experience to go work in an established company, not to mention I’m not 20 years old with those high qualifications either. I still feel like a failure and a fuck up because I’m always doing shit to try to be even a little bit happier, and I’m so tired and in so much pain that I’m not really spending time with my roommates. When I look at myself, I don’t know what I want from myself at all. When I examine my feelings, I don’t understand myself for being the ugliest person in the world and trying so hard to be close to the sexiest man in the world. Let’s face it, he is god’s gift to women and he has god’s gift to vaginas in his pants in addition to being as gorgeous as he is. And this is who I’m hung up on? When I’m the ugliest person in the world? What is wrong with me? When I really look at myself and take everything into consideration, yeah if I were someone else looking at me, I’d fucking hate me too. 🙁
8 comments
Not to burst that nice little bubble you have, but from the way you keep describing him I can definitely tell you that he’s far from god’s gift to women, he’s just as flawed as everyone else. Sorry, but he’s not even close perfect. No one is. You need to start looking at him from down here on earth and keep him off that pedestal you have, or least keep a more realistic view of him.
You keep thinking of yourself as ugly, it’s not true, get rid of that warped image. If the pain is really that bad and the doctors aren’t helping you there’s always the option of looking up alternative remedies, there have been positive results there.
“Experimenting?” what does that even mean? If you wish to transition you know what you have to do, and your actions based on that should be undertaken with your opinion as the only factor.
You haven’t seen him. I respect him too much to post his picture here. But he is the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen.
No, I haven’t seen him. I don’t need to. As you seem to have a slight problem seeing things from my point of view, looks aren’t everything. He’s gorgeous, so what? That doesn’t make him perfect. If you had been born blind would his looks really matter in the way you viewed him? No. Put that extra aside, and what are you left with?
God’s gift to vaginas has been established by the Swiss Women’s Collective of Berne to be biodegradable disposable moistened wipes with aloe. I doubt he has those in his pants.
ha!
I have seen what he’s got, and it’s amazing.
Have you ever heard the phrase ‘bumping uglies’ ? They say that for a reason. I think you need to reassess your priorities here.
I admire u for white-knuckling through ur pain! All I do is writhe in bed and cry while the government takes care of me and pays my rent. Ur so much stronger than I. I amire u.