Hi, i’ve never really posted on anywhere like this before but i don’t really know what else to do.
I’ve contemplated suicide so many times throughout my life and recently everyone feels like it’s finally coming to a climax, as if ive already accepted that i’m going to die soon, and i want to go out on my own terms.
I’ve been struggling with multiple health issues which make everyday life horrendous, i’m constantly spaced out and in pain almost every waking minute, it’s too much to take.
I’m also incredibly lonely, not even my family speaks to me unless it’s to start an argument or take out their anger on somebody. I feel like the family punching bag. I have nobody i can speak to about how i feel, where i come from you’re laughed at for feeling this way, especially when you’re unattractive and male like i am. I’ve tried therapy, but it was hopeless, the people who i spoke to clearly have never been through anything similar in their lives and are just spewing out textbooks.
I have maybe one or two friends in my life, and i’ve grown incredibly distant from them, maybe seeing them once or twice every 5 months. I almost never leave the house anymore because i can’t stand how the world is outside, and when i do i don’t feel as if i’m really there.
Sorry if that was too much or too little, i don’t have a diary or anywhere to post these sorts of things, so i may have ranted.
8 comments
You didn’t rant. I’m very sorry you feel this way. From reading, I can only get a small glimpse of the pain that you’re in, but it sounds incredibly painful. You must be very strong to endure so much pain and still be writing here. I can’t relate to everything in your post, but some of it’s very familiar – namely the loneliness, and feeling as though you aren’t there. They’re two things that have been on my mind a lot lately as I try to find a way to get past them. I hope being here will alleviate some of the loneliness.
It really means so much to be able to speak to someone who can relate even a little, and actually mean it instead of just saying so, as most people would say they understand even when they haven’t a clue. Thank you for the warm welcome
Thanks for being here. 🙂 It helps me too to relate to someone just a little.
Trix is probably the go to person to talk about chronic physical pain (as well as other stuffs). So allow me to be a bit more “parental” here on the subject of being “unattractive”.
You are beautiful just the way you are. But, if you insist on thinking you are unattractive then you are. It’s that simple. I have super big advantage of perspective about this: there are a million little things that can make a person ZOMG or EEWWW to someone else. Yes, there are social standards of beauty. Anyone with more than half a brain quickly learns this is mostly B U L L S H I T.
Yes, you may feel awkward. Yes, you may feel different. That’s normal. It’s OK to have those feelings. But you aren’t unattractive. You are wonderful. Don’t use this as a club to beat yourself up! Please try imagining you are smack dab in the average zone with the rest if us. Become comfortable with that thought and you automatically get upgraded to above average. It’s not bad here, really. They give you a nice card on your birthday and there is a secret handshake, too.
Kind of taking from the post of SeeSmith, but i have to say i hate the term “social”. A teacher mentioned that there’s no actual difference between “social” and “society” and i found that so fucked up, that i almost walked out of there (sorry, that was a minirant on my part and doesn’t help at all, lol).
Most of us end up on sp for many of the same reasons you mention (i’m in constant pain too, can’t communicate well due to health issues, etc), and at least here we can share how we feel about things, and be ourselves a bit more. That said, if you do have the opportunity to socialize (again, hate that term) with real life people, do so. It’s somewhat needed to keep a balance (imo) and not everyone is a judging idiot. As for the unatractive part… beauty is an abstract concept, and even if there are fixed standards defined by society (grr), not everyone wants that. You’d be surprised at how many girls find the typical male beauty ideal to be ridiculous, so don’t give it too much thought, you are what you are and that’s perfectly fine.
Thankyou everyone, i feel that the part which hurts most is being alone and not having anywhere to go when i hit a low. Although it may sound a little contradictory to what i have posted, i love meeting people, despite finding it very hard to do so. It just seems that many people all seem to be the same, and act the same way. I can understand they all want to fit in, but it hurts when i want to be myself and its very rare for me to feel content anywhere.
Hopefully i will be able to speak with you all more often and read some of your posts
I find the mental/emotional stuff harder too. Hope to get to know you a bit over time. 🙂
Being alone really does suck. If you would like a few suggestions on Self-help books. I could recommend some. Not about changing you or your perspective, but possible to achieve things about yourself that you always wanted. I use them currently to try to help me talk to people better. I was never shy, but seem to always say the wrong things. You may be able to figure out what you want to change or something and start achieving those goals.
I have those feelings too. I converse with these people, but relationships takes a while to build. So when I go home I feel horrible again thinking an unsuccessful day. Put yourself out there and try. It is all we can do! Even volunteering. A great way to meet people and usually an enjoyable experience. Good luck!