It is now a year in loneliness and isolation. I gave myself enough time to think, to wonder why they behaved with me like the way they did. Why I went suddenly a nobody from being their pal. How I could lose respect that took me years to build. How one year of anger can be of more weight than a decade of friendship.
He was like my brother, he was sweet and was good to me. I thought of himself as being the one who would understand me. But when i got angry with him, instead of confronting him, I labelled him; I misjudged him. It was not he who betrayed me, misjudged me; It was I. He was too angry when he accused me of having ill intention, I should have understood that he has all the right to get angry with me. I stabbed him right in the back when he was not expecting it.
I was too pissed when my friend said that I pass pointers, but I never realized why did my friend said such a thing to me. Instead, I pushed my friend’s patience to the limits. In my anger and conditions I wanted to show my friend, what giving pointers would actually would feel like. Hurting my friend was the last thing I ever wanted to do, and I successfully managed to do it perfectly. My friend tried to help me, listened to me but I was just bent on in doing taunts and holding the grudge on my friend’s remarks.
I wanted them to know how much I felt hurt; making me ruthless, cunning as a wounded snake; biting again and again, curling around and spitting venom as much and when ever I could, and I know now that such a feeling has no ends. I can hold on this grudge forever and still will not be able to get peace out of it. In my revenge i can degrade and degenerate to the lowest levels possible and still I will not be able to get the peace out of it. Its not until, i admit my mistakes and stop expecting them to behave the way I want.
I realize now, I realize it all:
It seems now as if I was under a spell; I knew what I was doing and still I was doing it. Making them all hurt from my words, from my actions. They were all rightful to leave me.
I was the source of actual evil. It was I who was closing all doors while not realizing that my efforts, though honest are meant to be in vain because I am not willing to realize my mistakes. I just wish some how I can rip my past off my life and start fresh. Those happy faces, oh how much I miss them now, when I am all alone and there’s no one to even argue with me. get angry with me, giving me taunts or wishing me a Happy Birthday.
I know, I must repay to what I did to them; in the hope of seeing them happy with me again; I must suffer.
Was it my pride, or my jealousy or my expectations going wrong or whether I was too hurt, or was it none other than my condition. No use, who would be understand and would enough time from their busy life to find it out that what really happened to me?
My own evil has made people weary of my name, of my existence. In my anger and revenge, I’ve hurt them pretty badly that they don’t even want to remember that I was their friend once.
;And I said to myself, what a wonderful world!
4 comments
I think after doing something like that, you have to suffer somewhat if you’re going to be able to change – but that suffering isn’t just having your friends leave you. It’s the pain that comes with realising what you did. I hope you can work it out with them, but all you can do is show how much they mean to you and hope that’s enough. It might take a long time until they could fully forgive you and start again. Meanwhile, maybe you could try to make new friendships too. Even when you know you’ve made mistakes, it’s easy to repeat them. It’s also easy to get bitter when you feel alone. It could be a good idea to try building new friendships and trying not to slip into the same ways of behaving, but show that you can value people as they are.
It has been eating me since a year and a half now :'(. I am not able enough to make friends. I can only make enemies.
Are you talking about the guy who used you to do all his work for him? :/ Maybe he didn’t deserve your kindness after all.
Well, its not like that, My friend was my friend until i started doing things which hurt my friend. Although i think our friendship would demand that he could have talked with me the moment my friend realized that something is going wrong with me. But who to blame, when instead of complaining i managed to make them so far away from me that only a miracle would make them forgive what i have been doing. In my anxiety and self pity, it seems, i have been torturing them mentally; and now when i look at the situation from their point of view that they don’t understand what was my condition; (as one of them rightly said that, “we never hang out”; although we did, except may be not like what my friend call hangout ); they were unable to relate to me; and still i thought that may be if i show my frustration they’d know how much i value them. and in doing that, i;ve manage to make them disgusted from me; I feel like a degenerate mind, which to some extent is true; as i am not as sober as the normal people; the only thing i can say about myself is that i have been honest in my feelings; but honesty does not pay; and sometimes can make us alone; too alone; i just fear my next anxiety attack, the last depression lasted for 4 months, and i;ve manage to survive. I just fear what would i feel like in the next one, and what if i am alone in the next phase and what horrors could i do next time. I just hope i don’t hurt anyone emotionally; because when i realize i hurt someone emotionally i feel the exact pain of being hurt after my phase is over. I would be fine if they want to hurt me but I cannot live in the pain of knowing that i;ve hurted someone and I would rather die before hurting anyone.