Most suicidal people want to die because they are suffering and want to escape the pain. I feel like I’ve overcome my depression, but I still want to die because I think I am not worthy of living. I used to be in an extremely dark place, but now I can feel happiness, but the problem is I don’t deserve it.
So I am socially retarded, diagnosed with Asperger’s. My face and body language barely show any emotion. It’s hard for me to say something as simple as “Hello” or “Goodbye”. I can’t hold or start a conversation, when people ask me questions I literally can’t say anything, and I haven’t had any real friends since middle school. Even then, I only had like two friends and they both had Asperger’s. We were the three losers of the school. They’ve moved on and got girlfriends, but I’m still sitting at home doing meaningless dinosaur-related crap because I’m autistic and obsessed with dinosaurs.
How am I going to have a fulfilling life if I’m like this? How will I get a job if I can’t communicate? If something went wrong and I was the only one who knew I wouldn’t say anything. If I was asked to do a simple task that involved being proactive, I couldn’t do it. And how will I ever get married, or even just a girlfriend? I could never tell someone I love them, even if I really did love them. I can’t give a person what they deserve out of a relationship. I’ve never been kissed, never even been hugged outside of a hospital that I was sent to because I tried to kill myself.
I’ve never been abused, been through any trauma, bullied, or had any reason for why I’m like this. I was just born an inadequate person who can’t do the one thing that makes us human.
I was just given a life of loneliness, helplessness, and being closed off. I’m a person that’s not a person. I want to disappear and be forgotten by as many people as possible.
9 comments
I have people close to me who are ASD. Love is possible. Has anyone looked into occupational training? There are a lot of support sites for ASD now. Tons of online support which at least for the people in my life, is easier. My heart goes out to you.
Anhedonia is a depressive disorder.
I have a good friend that builds model spaceships all day. Has a so-so job and a great wife. None of this happened overnight.
Are you referring to ASD? Autism Spectrum Disorder?
You will get jobs, lots of jobs…So something goes wrong. And you don’t tell anyone. You just earned your first badge! The badge of silence it’s called. Colleagues will be grateful you didn’t rat on them. In the criminal world this is considered a virtue. So, you’re very much a pro. Even in this regard, you’re awesome. Thumbs up, guy! Job communication – solved. Let’s move on. In any case, I think there is nothing wrong about you. Let’s return to the girlfriend part. If someone likes you, they will SPEAK UP! Marriage?! Girlfriends!? Oh don’t worry. You are the perfect catch-you don’t talk much. You cannot say “no” to their requests, and even if you say it, they will pretend that was nothing because your volume is low! Wonderful! Someone who really loves you will show it. Go out of their way. Of course, now pay attention you don’t label them accidentally as “stalkers”.
If I cannot say no to someone, then my needs are not being addressed and I am basically being taken advantage of. That’s not a real relationship.
How old are you? I hace aspergers. I am 40 and Hace a job and I am married. I was lucky to have a high IQ and made my self my own way on life. Its not easy at all and some times will hurt a lot but possible. Try to get some help by people that knows tour síndrome.
I’m only 18.
Hello there. I feel like I can relate to your situation to some extent. Although I have not been diagnosed with any type of mental disorder, I too struggle with social interaction. I am a physically deficient male in high school; I do have a few good friends there, but, other than that, I am mostly isolated. Most of my friends are girls, and while I find them easy to talk to, I can’t hold a conversation with most of my other peers and teachers. It may be that I’m just shy, but, to be honest, my whole attitude when I’m with them is a farce. I really do enjoy being with my friends, but at the same time I’m never really myself when I’m with them, or anyone for that matter. Like you, I have considered the potential communication and behavioral issues that I may encounter when I am no longer a dependent. Enough with me, though. You seem to be very familiar with yourself and your feelings towards others. Perhaps communicating your emotions through writing to those close to you would be a more effective alternative than addressing them directly. It’s quite alright if your body language does not express your feelings sufficiently. I usually just plaster on a smile at school. At home I often isolate myself in my room; when interacting with my family members (who I care about very much) I usually don’t make much use of my body language at all. It’s also important to keep in mind that you do not need to love someone in order to have a fulfilling life. Many people consider it to be ideal, but it is not something that is required. While I love my family very much, I believe that love is quite overrated in many aspects. You say that you are obsessed with dinosaurs. If this is a healthy obsession, then it may be one of the few things that brings you true happiness. (By “healthy obsession”, I mean that it’s not an obsession that is preventing you from regularly attaining your basic human needs.) I apologize for this wall of text and for my scattered writing structure; I’m falling asleep as I’m writing this. Sorry if this response wasn’t of much help to you, but I don’t think that I can finish elaborating on my ideas at the moment.
You *think* you don’t deserve it. It’s important to make the distinction between what you think is true and what definitely is.
You’re relatively young, so I don’t think you need to worry about all those things right now. I don’t know much about what it’s like to live with Asperger’s. There is someone in my family who people usually think has it, but it isn’t as extreme as some cases. He isn’t physically affectionate like some people are, but he finds ways to show he cares about people. It took him a long time to find a job that seemed suitable for him, but he found one and got married.
I think you’ll find these problems get easier over time. Maybe you should try to find someone a bit older who had the same doubts and worries and has managed to overcome them. It shouldn’t stop you living a fulfilling live.