I want to commit the gravest of all crimes, I want to kill someone…. myself; my last act on earth will be to murder thy self, my own self-destruction.
Why? Well, when life gets to a point where there’s no real pleasure left, just struggle, then surely it’s time to go. I see those around me having such a good life and as I approach 50 I feel the time has finally arrived. I know that if I keep going I will always live in the shadows wishing I was dead, I don’t want that, better to get it over and done with. Knowing there will soon be nothing left of me other than my ashes spread around the antenna is so soothing.
I was prepared to jump in the sea nearly 4 years ago and wish I had. Things are worse for me now, I’ve looked at other methods and still come back to drowning. Some people have long drawn out deaths, all I’m asking for is 5 minutes or so in the water to drown, others do it that way, I know it won’t be nice but I’ll be sozzled at the time. Surely I’ll be a goner; catching the bus to a perfect, everlasting sleep.
9 comments
nias I am sorry things are so bad for you. If you want to chat then contact me anytime. hugs
I have my doubts to the truth of your living in the shadows for the remainder of existence, but I have my own convictions of my life too. However, I shall say that the future is a rather permeable state, and things tend to change. I find it sorrowful that the change that came for you was not for the better.
But I think, despite your current state, you have done something in the past four years that has made this extended stay worthwhile, even if it’s just taking time to try to help out a stranger.
Perhaps you are nearing your finale, or it could be an overture. That knowledge does not befall the likes of me, though I do know no method is certain. But stranger things have happened than a person nearing fifty finding new hope. I wish you luck.
Same here. I’ll be 50 in January and I had originally given myself until 40 when I had planned my suicide but a close friend new of my plans and in a last effort he convinced me to go for a holiday in Thailand. We were both single and he thought we could both find women who might accept us in Thailand. He did find a nice Thai woman and he got married. I found out that Thai women just laughed at me the same as every other woman has always done but I did find a reason to live. I found a medication that fixed most of my health problems.
I delayed my suicide while I spent the following 4 years battling the Australian government trying to access this medication but I was refused permission to be prescribed it or to import it. I then gave up on life and started heavily abusing IV opiates for the next 6 years.
I have lived in a drug induced state of indifference for the last 6 years where my depression didn’t get the better of me but I have been off the IV opiates for 3 months now and all my problems and depression is back, front and center. I’m fast approaching 50 and still a virgin, never kissed and never dated. I know I will never have a p@rtner and I accept that but I have no real reason to go on. I have no close friends. I go weeks without seeing another person.
You are not alone in how you are feeling and I understand how seeing couples makes you feel bad. I tend to just isolate myself and avoid going out in public.
I hope you can find a solution to your pain, depression and loneliness.
Ty, there are many who reach 50 and realise they’re stuck on the scrap heap of life. I, too, have accepted a lonely life, can’t see it changing soon, perhaps…. well I’ve said it may change so many times but no. Sorry your life has been so bad recently, it’s sad but comforting to know that I’m not alone in this.
Mike, for me you are a great person. You have survived so many years…. not everyone turns 50.
I hope you find light in your loneliness and keep living. Why? Because death tells nothing. No matter how many near death experiences you read, in the end you still know nothing.
Perhaps there is still something worth living for in your life.
You cannot realize how much I respect people like you who have survived so many years and who perhaps have found some light in the darkness of their existence.
I think for me that I was more likely to suicide when I was younger because I was devastated that I was unable to enjoy any part of life. Seeing everyone else my own age having loving relationships, getting married, having children really crushed me but now that I am old and have accepted that I will never be happy, I find it is easier to just exist each day with no dreams of having a future. The less I crave a life, the easier it is to simply go on existing.
Maybe some people can transcend love and relationships but I find it hard to do so. Jealousy is a terrible thing in life; for me, it makes me want to kill myself. I can’t help but to need to go out and work, and I see people half my age and younger with the things I crave: love, social life, etc. It tears me apart knowing I will never have an enjoyable life. Can I, like you, simply go on and exist, perhaps, but it’s no life.
Good afternoon Nias,
I realize this is an older post, so your thoughts might have changed somewhat; maybe not. Anyway, since you’re my friend, I thought I’d reply.
First, I don’t feel that suicide is a crime. Your life is YOUR life. While you didn’t have a say in being born, and while we don’t have much say in how we live, let’s face it, dying is really the ONLY thing we have 100% control over. So why not execute that right? Pun intended! Haha!
Personally, I don’t think I would go the drowning route, but I do like the idea of having the sea gobble you up so that no body is found, removing all evidence of your existence. THAT is my plan as well.
Just for the record, I am 50 (I’ll be 51 in July, if I live that long; I probably will). And, what you say does have a lot of truth in it. I have experienced much of what you’ve said. Not a day has passed that I don’t regret being born. My life has been a long string of failures. But really, why fuss about failures? Successes and failures are meaningless. OK, so what that I’m 50, and have no money, no bank account, no pension, no 401K. It really makes no difference whether you’re a homeless bum or a billionaire. Rich and successful people die too. No one gets out of this mess alive!
Think about this: A bum sleeping in the gutter dreams that he is a billionaire sleeping in a mansion, while a billionaire sleeping in a mansion dreams he is a bum sleeping in the gutter. Which is real? It really doesn’t make any difference. The most beautiful rose will become compost in a few days! What’s the point? There is none.
Sure, we can try to enjoy the moment. But what’s the point in that? Again, there is no point. We can die today or 50 years from today. Death is death, and it is always there waiting. It’s the patient beast that never sleeps. Sooner or later we will all fall. Personally, I think it’s best to take charge of my life, even if taking charge means nothing more than making the final exit. Does this make sense, or is this nothing more than the ramblings of an old man?
Respectfully,
Jack
Gosh, yes I had to reacquaint myself with this post, I am in a better position now than then, still think drowning is the way for me, so simple, but it’s the river that waits patiently for me, 50 a year drown in it, although not all suicide, so I won’t be alone, but I am trying to keep going and at the moment, and with help from someone, it’s working.
What is the point, I really don’t know, there really is no point other than the biological reason of furnishing the next generation with this dreadful thing we call life. People mask the pointlessness of life by pleasurable pursuits, but we at SP can see through that, without enjoyment there is no point. Taking charge of your life which includes suicide, well that’s something that isn’t always possible, suicide isn’t easy, I’m scared of it yet revel in it’s simplicity and for me beauty, sadness yes but there is beauty in finally bringing peace to a troubled mind. I hope you continue to live iamtheblues, you’re a good person.