I live with the hell of chronic pain conditions that affect me every day. I was dimissed from a doctor a month ago and have an appt with a new one soon. I’m on heavy pain meds and they ran out a few days ago. I have Percocet from my pcp to get me through the next few days but it’s not enough. How does someone who’s already severely depressed and daily thinks about suicide handle withdrawl at the same time?? I seriously feel the need to use again, and I haven’t done hard drugs in 10months. I’ve been crying often this past week and mostly don’t get out of bed. I am even in too rough of shape to have my daughter, so my ex has had to take over my days. I blew up at her last nite on the phone and eventually texted her she’d be sorry for the hell she’s put me through when I’m nothing but ash…and she’s my best friend. I do not have anyone to turn to (literally– I moved to this state after marrying and now have no one here.) “Oh poor, poor me,” I think. “Let’s have a pity party for the baby. Go have another drink u loser.” (My mind isn’t nice to me.) “Boo hoo, go cry to your online strangers for attention. You’re pathetic. Making people who are already suffering worry about YOUR problems. You know you’d be high and out of pain right now if your contacts were still there. That’s what you get for not staying in touch in sobriety, just in case. See? Even when you think you’re doing the right thing it still ends up being wrong. Go ahead and cry again. Even after you see the new doctor your life will still be poverty and lonliness. What are you waiting for?”
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My mind isn’t nice either, that’s why I like to vent to others because they can see past those pesky personalities to what’s really there, I may not always like what they see but it’s better than what the voices are telling me. You’re lashing out because you’re in pain, a natural reaction, not the best, but you can always apologize later for being mean. To prevent apology, don’t send things via text- go old school, take up the pen and pencil. It’s a lot easier to not send the letter than unsend a text. There are some here with chronic pain (bless them) and there are others who struggle with addiction, I’m sure they can commiserate, so it’s better posting here than talking to a squirrel about it.
I’m so sorry you’re living with so much pain.
It isn’t ideal and hopefully you can find a way to change it soon, but snapping at people you love, being irritable or cruel or unjustly upset with them… it’s all understandable when you’re going through a lot of pain. I’ve been there and left huge messes behind, but the best thing you can do afterwards is show that you’re sorry and try to stay silent when you want to do it again. But it’s a natural reaction to suffering.
I’ve had many horrible thoughts towards myself. It’s something you could change over time. I understand if the thought of changing those things seem impossible right now, or pointless, but it would help if/when you could try. Anything is harder when your mind is against you.
I know you’re going through a terrible time, but none of these problems will break you. There are several that can be worked on. It isn’t pathetic to be here. Please don’t go anywhere. Having people understand what you’re going through and being able to talk about it can help you get through the next part.
Feel free to cry to us as much as you need. We’re here for each other. That’s what this site is for, to give people who struggle with the thought of ending there lives enough pause that they might find a way to continue.
It’s unfortunate that you are suffering so much, but don’t feel pathetic for being here. We may be strangers and some of us may not always understand the road that brought each of us here, but we can understand the dark sea we find each other on. So cry if you need to. Share your suffering with us. It’s fine. It helps to let it out among people who understand where you are. Really, it’s okay. We know how dark it can get in the world to where you can’t see anything in front of you.
And, as was mentioned, try not to lash out at your loved ones. They may not understand, but they still care. Try to remember that and let the people in your life be the drug that gets you through.
Thank u for the welcome and the advice. I would never presume someone without (physical) pain problems to understand the bleak outlook it leaves one with.. lucky for some people that their disease is either curable or it eventually kills them, rather than this nebulous void where u always hurt and ur told there’s nothing to do but mask the pain.. forever.. the only thing changing is ur medication tolerance going up and up. I won’t be apologizing to my ex-wife; she left me in park because I was “always sick” (so very hard on HER.) That and the allure of cheating. But the saddest part is that I have no one else, and even though she does, she crashes on me all the time as her shore of reliability and stability. Ur left with besties who r mean and nasty to each other. It sickens me to think about it, and how the few ppl I love r all in NY…and I’ll never get back to them unless I were to abandon my 4y/o daughter, whom I have primary placement. The only way I could leave her is for another world. Perhaps that would be best. No child so young should grow up having to feel responsible for caring for her parent, and she already does despite my efforts, even getting herself out of her carseat, coming around, opening my car door, and holding out her hand to me… That plus the poverty social security pays us? I wouldn’t wanna grow up with me. She’d be better off.
Dude No no no no. She would grow up wondering why you abandoned her, why you didn’t love her enough to stay, why she wasn’t enough to make you stay. She would not think she is better off, she would only know that she is so much worse without her father, and I can almost guarantee that she will end up spiraling herself. No.
Parents do not abandon their children under any circumstance, you have a precious reason to stay and you had damn well better fight for it with everything you have. I suggest you look online for a therapist today and call tomorrow.
Sorry, that was a bit strong, I didn’t mean to sound so brusque it’s just a sore point with me.
Of course ur right. If u feel being tough with a person helps, then by all means try ur best.
My little girl is a total mini-me: she looks so much like me. Thinks way more like me than mommy. Loves me most and always turns to me first when she’s hurt, scared, happy, sad, or unsure. Lily is the only reason I haven’t left this world yet! Because she needs me. But am I correct in my thought that I should just do away with myself now. When her memories r so young and she’s so much more likely to forget me?!?! But I panic for her care with my “flibberty-jibberty” ex and for my half daughter whom I care for to the point that if something happened to my ex, the baby would be mine… Please dont ask unless u really want the story. No matter its ugliness…
You have a 4yr old daughter who gets out of her car seat and comes around to help you? That’s really sweet. It sounds like she loves you very much. I’d imagine the only burden you could ever be in her life would be the question of why you left.
I don’t mean to sound as if I’m trying to “guilt you into living” as I very much believe in the right to die, but try to be strong for her. Your world may be one of poverty, but you are a luxury in that little girl’s life. Try to let her keep that.
And while it’s true that I don’t suffer from chronic pain the way you do (my issues are mainly mental and emotional), there are many people on this site who do struggle in absolute agony each day. There are people who understand and know what you are going through. Regardless though, we’re all here for each other, whether our issues are the same or not, so, again, please don’t feel like your problems don’t matter too.
My Lily is my cupcake, my kitty-baby as I’ve called her since birth… She is so much more like me than her mommy. She’s so dependent and nervous that [ignore if ur cps] that she still sleeps in my queen size bed with me. When I once asked her why she couldn’t sleep in her own bed in her own (little girls’ dream) room, while I slept on her sofa (yes, my 4y/o has her own luxury couch in her BR), she exclaimed “But then I can’t reach to hold ur hand!” She’s so glued to me, yet scared of other men thanx to my ex and abuse……… I’ll bet we sound like white trash to all of u on here, but I swear that inside our home we don’t live e lifestyle!
Hi FreeToFall
It sounds like you have the biggest reason I could imagine to live. Obviously (sadly) that doesn’t necessarily mean someone feels the will to live, but she sounds like an amazing positive thing in your life to anchor yourself here. She needs you. Don’t let yourself believe that she’ll easily forget you and would rather live without you. It’s so far from the truth.
I absolutely don’t know how how your physical pain affects your outlook. I would never presume to. I’m sure it must be horrific and probably unimaginable to me (although I can understand all the pain of depression). But it is worth searching to see how much of that (your outlook) you can change. It’s worth it. And if your depression is severe, you probably don’t realise how much pain it causes you in itself.
*we don’t live that sort of lifestyle*
@Trix: I am all too aware of how much pain both my depression AND my disability cause me. It’s the combination that easily takes over and makes me feel helpless: when both beasts r active. I often feel in this dreamy state when things r really bad. I feel like I’ve been standing in ur living room for the past 5min explaining this all and right noe here I imagine a choking, drooling beast… I swear to God, just a train of thought. Could be the Ambien as I jus woke and checked this. Could be my inner self’s(ves) work on destroying my ability to get help. But I swear to God I’m willing to clear the spider webs
@copelessness: it’s sweet to an onlooker, about my daughter helping me from the car. To me it’s the sickest, saddest thing around. She’s a BABY for God’s sake and those feelings, obligation or otherwise, belong to a teen at the VERY least. Idw my Lily feeling obligated to me…… Yet that’s a lie.. I don’t ever want my baby to leave me… If she were to never leave home I’d be ecstatic! It runs in my family: codependence, manipulation, coercion, wrong correction, and general dissapproval or”denial of worth” of another’s escape attempt. But we will never be free; not unless Mommy takes a turn for the worst. And even given her diet, I doubt it…
I can see why you find it sad but it isn’t the sickest, saddest thing around. People think that children should have no practical obligations or worries like that, but it’s okay. As long as you treat your children kindly and give them love, there’s nothing better that you could do. Other circumstances don’t really matter. It’s just a part of life.
@Trix– I’m not one to mince words because as a writer I love words, but I do believe that our children living below the poverty line these days r severely short-changed and “damaged” in today’s society. To be totally and completeley honest, how many times have u placed ur child (happy and willing) into a store’s dumpster to reach food for u? There r home videos of me as young as 2months dumpster diving with my family. Not to eat, but for the cast-offs of a wasteful society. This should probably be its own post (lmk??) because too many Americans don’t understand waste these days and their very own neighbors’ suffering. As I live in one of the richest counties in the country and ppl just don’t get it.