The time I started writing this. You’re supposed to make a wish at 11:11. In some ways, I’m selfish. I wish for a lot of things when this time comes round. And so far, I don’t think any of them have come true.
I still don’t feel comfortable in this fucking body. My gender makes no fucking sense. Dysphoria is a *****, and with fluid gender it fucking suck, because my body and gender never quite match.
It’s stuck in my head that everyone hates me. No-one bothers with me anymore, I’m just that fucked up kid that people put up with because I’m friends with their friend. Nothing more than that.
I’ve given up on happiness, I think. It works for some people, but I don’t think it works for me. And I don’t know if it ever will. Maybe one day, but for the foreseeable future, I’ve given up on it.
I don’t particularily want to die, but at the same time, I’d want to know what it’s like. Will people miss me when I’m gone? Will they spout the usual ‘they’ll be missed’ bullshit? Because if that was true, maybe they should have made more of a fucking effort while I was still alive.
I wish I had a way with words, like some of the other people on this site. They make what they want to say poetic and meaningful, whereas I just rant.
This has just turned into another rant session, and I apologise. I may have mentioned this before, but I’m not in a good state of mind to reply to comments, but know that I see them all and appreciate them.
-M
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2 comments
I’m sorry. The dysphoria must be horrible. I went through a relatively brief phase of feeling completely uncomfortable in my body and it was awful.
Happiness can be hard to find. For some people it’s like we need to learn it from the beginning, as a skill, for it to become natural again. It’s sad that it can completely disappear for anyone.
I think people will almost definitely miss you.
11:11 huh? I remember those days. I’ve moved onto shooting stars and priuses. I wish upon the mighty Prius ………………..!