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My head is like phone static

by ShortOne

recently, i’ve discovered yet another sickening dilemma caught up inside me. i’m already filled with them you see, but the space inside of me can always grow to accommodate more internal turmoil it seems. especially now that the only person i ever trusted completely is gone, and i’ve damaged all the meaningful relationships with those around me, and my head keeps spinning telling me i can never be happy, and i believe that my head is right.

due to my past and the likely hood of my future based on my functioning as a human being. you see, i am weak. all i’ve ever contributed in this fucking shit-hole of a world is pain and a bitchy mouth to feed. not even a grateful mouth, but rather one that spouts lie after lie after lie in a weak attempt to shield herself when she should know by now theres no point in a barricade let alone does she deserve to be protected. i should know that by now shouldn’t i? i should know from those curled up fists all those years ago. in fact i did know. but i thought maybe things would change. maybe i can find someone to love and trust. how fucking stupid was i, huh. i didn’t take into account at the time what a fucking moronic whore piece of shit **** i would be. how i would always be that way. how i could never be happy because i, myself just generally make others unhappy. and when i fantasize running a blade down both my wrists, the spill of my blood on the floor seems so inviting. i can feel my skin itching in anticipation everyday, and yet the blade never finds its mark.

because, how naive i must be. rather than dying, i think i still just want to find a friend.


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SeeSmith 11/29/2015 - 4:18 am

Labels like “weak” just aren’t useful. You’re going to have to let go of that.

Finding a good friend is completely doable! One of the first things you are going to need to do is treat yourself with the level of kindness you would also have for a friend.

ShortOne 11/29/2015 - 5:50 pm

ah, that seems hard but i will try! thank you SeeSmith

bruiseviolet 11/29/2015 - 4:22 am

It’s not naive to have hope that something good could happen. People on here become happy all the time and they never expected it to happen. If you die then all chance of happiness is gone. You are being way too hard on yourself.

ShortOne 11/29/2015 - 5:39 pm

i know, its just really hard to get out of that thought process especially when youve been thinking that way youre whole life. but i havent quit juat yet

Randall 11/29/2015 - 4:49 am

Phone static. That’s a good analogy. I can relate.
There’s hope in your words. If I read between all the self doubt, self condemnation, self hate there’s still that spark that wants to be ignited. Your last ten words point to that.
Hang on…it’s coming. You’re almost there…almost free. Dig just a little deeper…you’ll find it.

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/29/2015 - 11:07 am

@shortone: There is hope, you still want friendship. If that leaves there is little left. My heart breaks reading that you call yourself a “****”. I have a sailor’s mouth but it is the one word taboo to me, and when I read it I think, “my God that is some true hatred there”. Self-hatred towards yourself. I am thinking, since you still want friendship, you can learn a new language of self-love. It isn’t easy changing out a violent language for a soothing loving one. It takes one step out your front door.

Let me take your hand and take you that one step into a new garden: You are gorgeous. Not the kind of gorgeous that is in magazine, the kind of gorgeous that a young man living in La Pesca, Mexico sits under the stars and writes about in his beat up notebook. He has his pet Xolo next to him that he found as a stray pup. She has a little sweater on but she still is shivering in the night air. And as he pets her he thinks of you, he hasn’t met you yet but he writes about how absolutely gorgeous your soul is in his beat up paper notebook nightly.

You are gorgeous. That is the first word for you soul’s new dictionary.

ShortOne 11/29/2015 - 5:45 pm

i do hate myself a lot, honestly calling myself those things is a pretty normal thing for me to do. but i know its not healthy, all that its done for me is break any scrap of confidence i had left. and thats what makes it so challengindg guess. but thank you so much that was a lovely story @Hazy Day Sunflower and it made me smile when i read it.

ShortOne 11/29/2015 - 5:49 pm

i hope very much that you are right Randall. although i guess i shouldn’t be greedy, just in case. ill just have to cling to that spark for dear life quite literally this time, huh.

ShortOne 11/29/2015 - 5:49 pm

damn! wrong place, sorry

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