recently, i’ve discovered yet another sickening dilemma caught up inside me. i’m already filled with them you see, but the space inside of me can always grow to accommodate more internal turmoil it seems. especially now that the only person i ever trusted completely is gone, and i’ve damaged all the meaningful relationships with those around me, and my head keeps spinning telling me i can never be happy, and i believe that my head is right.
due to my past and the likely hood of my future based on my functioning as a human being. you see, i am weak. all i’ve ever contributed in this fucking shit-hole of a world is pain and a bitchy mouth to feed. not even a grateful mouth, but rather one that spouts lie after lie after lie in a weak attempt to shield herself when she should know by now theres no point in a barricade let alone does she deserve to be protected. i should know that by now shouldn’t i? i should know from those curled up fists all those years ago. in fact i did know. but i thought maybe things would change. maybe i can find someone to love and trust. how fucking stupid was i, huh. i didn’t take into account at the time what a fucking moronic whore piece of shit **** i would be. how i would always be that way. how i could never be happy because i, myself just generally make others unhappy. and when i fantasize running a blade down both my wrists, the spill of my blood on the floor seems so inviting. i can feel my skin itching in anticipation everyday, and yet the blade never finds its mark.
because, how naive i must be. rather than dying, i think i still just want to find a friend.