A Crappy Story Written by a Kid

I wrote this in high school, for an English class.  Hopefully it gets some laughs out of you guys.

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far away, 1998 in Oskaloosa, Kansas, there lived a young Twinkie named Pedro.  Pedro was a good Twinkie, he had a golden glow to his exterior and a white, creamy center.  He spent most of his days watching the other Twinkie soldiers march into battle to defeat their arch nemesis, the evil Hoho horde.  One day, everything changed, his father was killed by the Hoho horde, when his body was returned, his creamy center had been sucked dry.  Pedro’s mother, Helen, was so upset and disturbed by the death of her husband that she drowned herself in the Great Northern Ocean of Milk.  Enraged by the deaths of his parents, Pedro swore revenge on the Hoho people, he swore that he would join the RTAS, the Royal Twinkie Attack Squad and do everything in his power to defeat the evil cream-sucking Hohos and avenge his father.

On the front line of the war, Chuck was fighting for his life.  No matter what he did, the Hohos kept coming. He must have defeated hundreds of them, but he was starting to get tired of roundhouse kicking the monsters.  Chuck looked over to see Abdul, his brother, screaming obscenities as he ran towards the Hohos. Then it dawned on him, Abdul was going to blow himself up. Chuck started to scream the word “No!” as time slowed down and his voice got mysteriously deeper.  BANG! Chuck was hit in the face with the creamy substance that gives life to the Snacktopian people.  Now, Chuck realised, there was nothing else he could do and he chose to retreat.

Pedro arrived at the Great Twizzler tower, home of the Licorice Guard, to receive the briefing of his special mission.  Pedro saw the red, twisted swords that his guide carried and thought about how much he wanted one.  When he arrived in the briefing room, Pedro saw a RTAS soldier with a beard, a Cupcake with an ax taller than he was, a Slimjim with a longbow, and a Twinkie Cakemaster.  The RTAS soldier introduced himself as Chuck, the cupcake as Jason, the Slimjim as Lloyd, and the Twinkie Cakemaster as Harry.  “Our mission,” said Chuck, “is to destroy the evil Chocolate Chip of Power,” everyone in the room gasped, “It is said that the user is unstoppable and that he can rule the world with the power to summon the legendary chocolate golems.  It is up to us to make sure that the Hohos do not succeed in getting it from us before we destroy it.”  “How are we supposed to do that?” Pedro asked. “Simple,” Chuck said, “I’m Chuck Norris.”

The Fellowship of the Chip was riding on the largest Cake they had ever seen, it must have had three layers and it was way longer than the average 9×13 cakes that everyone sees.  The cake was making good time, they had been riding since sunup and they could already see the base of the Tower of Tea, the home of the three evil British Teabag Witches.  When they walked in, Pedro heard the three witches, “Choose a sacrifice, and we will choose your future.” They said it in a very ominous voice laced with a British accent.  “What?” asked Pedro, it wasn’t his fault that his father accidentally dropped him on the chocolatewalk (you might compare it to a sidewalk) when he was little.   “Feed us one of your friends and we will help you on your journey,” the accent was gone that time and the voice sounded more annoyed than ominous.

“Okay, eat Lloyd. He smells funny.”

“We don’t eat meat.”

“Fine, take the cupcake.”

“What kind is he?”

“Chocolate, I think.”

“Is that it?”

“Just take whoever you want, I barely know these guys.”

“Awesome.”

“That sure was nice of them to tell us how to destroy the chocolate chip wasn’t it?” Lloyd asked, “Say, have you seen any of the guys?” “No,” said Pedro, “we should keep moving.”  They were walking now; the Teabags ate the cake too.  “We just need to navigate the tunnels of Cocoa Puff Mountain, avoid the crazy bird, Climb Mount Saint Hershey’s and throw the Chocolate Chip of Power in the Boiling Lake of Chocolaty Goodness.”  They made it to the base of Cocoa Puff Mountain and started going through the tunnels.  Just as they came to the end of the tunnel, they heard a voice shouting “COOKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!” over, and over, and over again. They ran to the end of the tunnel and pushed a giant chocolatey boulder into place in front of the passageway.  Pedro gasped as he saw the outline a bird that was tweaking out and shouting “COOKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!” right before they pushed the boulder in the way.

As they began their ascension of Mount Saint Hershey’s, they heard them, the sound of Hoho war drums.  Pedro screamed and started running up the mountain and accidentally kicked a rock that flew down and hit Lloyd in the head, causing him to fall down the mountain to the feet of the Hohos.  Pedro kept running as he heard the blood-curdling scream only a piece of greasy mystery meat could scream.  When he reached the shore of the lake, Pedro considered the possibility of him using the Chocolate Chip of Power.  He began imagining being immortal and having an army of immortals to obey his every whim.  He began imagining all of the-

He stopped imagining when a Hoho arrow hit him in the back, causing him to stumble forward into the Boiling Lake of Chocolaty Goodness creating what no one had ever imagined before, a chocolate covered Twinkie.  A giant human hand came out of the sky holding a giant fork.  It stabbed into the chocolate and pulled Pedro out of the sight of the Hohos.

“Look what I did Ma,” a little human child was sitting on the kitchen counter next to the stove, surrounded by snacks.  He was eating a chocolate covered Twinkie next to a box of Cocoa Puffs and there was a pot on the stove with boiling chocolate in it.

Was this tale made up by a small child or are all snacks truly alive?  If so, are we murderers for eating the greatest of snack foods?  All I know is that I really want a chocolate covered Twinkie right about now.