I just need to know… Is it just me who likes running my fingers over my cutting scars? Good Lord I sound morbid, but I just gotta know if any of you out there feel the same way.
It’s weird now- I read through some of the self harm comments and I (sometimes) just want to jump up and go to town with my exacto knife. Other times, I’m totally cool with it…
It’s not normal to be sadistically happy about cutting into your own flesh… of course it’s not normal- If i was normal, I wouldn’t be here with all of my lovelies 🙂
Sorry about this post… I was going to rant, but I decided to keep it tucked away in my little books of long angry speeches.
5 comments
Rant away if you want to, if it helps you we’re all ears. That said, i don’t cut (i did once and didn’t do much for me), but whenever i get an accidental cut (i work with sharp tools often) i can’t avoid to keep touching the scars. Why? no idea… i guess it sort of takes away from the emotional pain, but i do end up re-opening wounds because of it (without realizing it), so i guess you’re not the only one.
Don’t apologize. This is what this little odd community of depressed, suicidal people are here for. To hear one another out when perhaps no one else in the world will. To support and help one another in whatever way we can because perhaps no one else will, or for any other reason.
As to your question, I’m not a habitual cutter. I cut from time to time, when I’m really upset or when I feel like punishing myself, and I find that I agree with you. Although I am ashamed to let other people see my scars, when looking at them myself, I get a sense of pride almost. It reminds me that I succeeded in punishing myself (or whatever other reason people cut), and like Mf said, brings me a sense of comfort. So no, you are not alone. I’m sure there are more people like us out there.
so, just to add to the confessional, full-disclosure vibe that i get here, i cut when i need to get back to reality, when i’ve retreated so far into my own feelings that i can’t remember anything and i can only feel pain. the physical pain brings me back to earth.
however, my skin doesn’t scar very much; all of my scars are little white lines now, not visible unless it’s summer and i get tan (or burned). but sometimes i look over myself and i wonder ‘wait…did i really feel that? did i really go through that? or am i just making up more memories?’ i think if my scars were raised, i would touch them all the time to remind myself that i really felt what i felt, and that i really did experience all the pain that i remember.
so i don’t know what normal is anymore, but i understand why i would do it, if that helps even out your achy, shaky heart.
xoxoxox
I constantly struggle with cutting. Numerous times throughout the day something will trigger me. Something will make me feel less human, less than everyone else, not adequate to call myself part of society, so I feel a desperate need for a quick fix to dull these feelings and reaching for my scalpel blades is a first instinctive reaction just as a smoker will reach for a cigarette.
Sometimes junk food suffices to dull these emotions but often nothing but watching my blood flow will make me feel better. This is fine when I am at home but after previous experiences when I have cut when out in public in my car, I have learned that it is not a good idea to use cutting as a coping mechanism when out in public. Just as you mentioned, running my hands over all the scar tissue on my forearms gives me enough emotional comfort to help me wait until I am back home.
I like to look at my scars a lot too. Its like I’m getting the mental pain out onto my body, so people can see that I hurt. I’m still dealing with the ideas in my head of doing it, so I get it.