I’ve spent my life being the person who is always thinking of others, always trying to help make everyone else’s lives around me better. I’m the clown, the one who laughs and jokes with others and makes others smile when they need it most and people apparently enjoy my company. However, I am just a stepping stone for everyone, they use me to get what they need and then move on, leaving me to feel alone and isolated again.
People see me as the happy and friendly guy, however, I’ve struggled in secret, for the most part, with depression my entire life. I promised myself I wouldn’t allow myself to get this low last time but obviously that didn’t work. I’m so very tired of feeling like this, people say that “things will get better” and I get that, I’ve witnessed it first hand! I just realise that it’s all temporary, just like life itself, and just like things will get better they will always get worse again and honestly I’m done with this endless cycle.
I’m the type of person who doesn’t want to hurt others, or be a burden on anyone, but one thing all these people who are trying to help me don’t realise is that it’s killing me sticking around for their sake. I don’t want help, it’s not that I want to die, it’s more like that I just can’t live my life like this, I’ve tried changing and it hasn’t worked.
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I see where you’re coming from—by the way, good morning— I’m that guy in my group of friends too. this is how I deal with that (1) what am I expecting out of the friendship? Am I expecting too much? (2) for me the answer was that I was only wanting them to value my feelings and see me the same way I see myself. The problem with my approach (and yours if it’s along those lines) is that they’re people too. They have to wrap their heads up in they’re own existence etc (assuming that they are as thoughtful people as you are —which if not, whatever). Even if you find a super especiale person in your life, they won’t be able to tackle your demons. the other unfortunate thing Im starting to learn as I get older, though, is how meaningless many of my closest relationships are on the surface. As in, we never have those “what’s it all about/ how’re you really doing today” conversations, or if so its seldom. I think that for me, at least, I was looking for something meaningful to focus my energy towards, and relationships failed to completely satisfy my goals. Now I just focus on shit that makes my life valuable (ie study shit I find interesting, be a kind person, find positive things to enjoy instead of constantly criticizing others) .
I can relate to the most part (except for the clown part because I don’t think I’m that funny lol but still, I always try to make people laugh too).
I decided that I needed something to make me *want* to live and fight for my life, and since I didn’t have anything and didn’t feel love for myself, I chose to love and care for people.
And there’s where the problem is… Loving yourself isn’t always that easy and this lack of love for yourself can let you become an easy prey for “vampires” — people that will drain all hour energy, love and friendship and don’t give you much back. I’ve been there a few times and in the end I always try to blame myself for the bad things that happen, even if the other part has treated me in a horrible way. Sadly the vast majority of people don’t love/care for people that don’t love themselves.
I’ve recently been trying to change that and only put my energy into relationships that I think that are true and into people that seem to care for me as well. I don’t want to be used by others, that isn’t healthy for my emotional and mental health… But I definitely don’t want to change the few personality traits that I like about myself. I want to maintain my empathy and humanity — so I won’t change who I am, I will just find the right people to love and care for and keep living by my own laws that say that I shouldn’t hurt others on purpose and try to spread kindness wherever I go.
Maybe every now and then a vampire will fool me and drain my energy, but at least now my eyes are open and I have the willpower to try to defend myself. That’s the only thing that I think I can change. I need to be able to tell myself that it is okay to let go of someone that doesn’t appreciate what I try to do for them.
I don’t know if deep down you feel the same way I do about not loving yourself, but I hope that everything works out for you in your life.
I apologize if my comment doesn’t make much sense lol I’m still sleepy (I decided to skip school today and stay in bed heh).
it s so true that i think none of us actually want to die…it s just that we want the pain to stop…and as a last resort we choose our own death…irony ha?fuck depression and all the shit that comes along with it!
I can fully understand wanting the cycle to change. Keep in mind, though, that you might feel differently about it when you’re on the other side and things are better again.
Friends and family can try to make it easier to live with depression, but they don’t have the knowledge or tools to cure it. I don’t know how you’ve tried changing before but there are lots of different ways to try to cure depression – different treatment programmes, new and old medications, pioneering treatments, ancient practices. Some are costly but lots of them are less money or free. All of them are intended to change the way your brain is currently operating. Some won’t work for everyone, and some will take more money or commitment than others. But they’re worth trying, to see an end to the cycle and the pain. I don’t like saying this because I don’t want it to sound like I’m trying to guilt you into staying alive, which I’d never deliberately do, but the pain you feel will be transferred to others if you die. That doesn’t mean you should suffer for them though. I think the best way out of this (for anyone) is to try making changes that you haven’t made before. There are always options out there.
I’m sorry about the way people have treated you. I think Tristeza made some really good points. I’ll just add this: I don’t know if this is the same for you, but when I’ve been at my most depressed, any problems in relationships have affected me much more severely than they did when the same things happened at other times. It feels like the brain has more of a capacity to feel pain at that time. It can easily feel overwhelming and it can start to haunt you when the same problems happen time and time again. If you start expecting things to always go a certain way, then you might worry about them happening again. Then when something similar happens you believe even more strongly that that’s the way things are and will always be. It can stop you from seeing the good parts of relationships when you focus on the struggles or them ending. Again I’m not trying to suggest that these things necessarily apply to you. Some people just have very bad luck in relationships. It can just be harder to pick yourself up from it when you’re depressed.
I hope you can make it through this part and it isn’t long before you start to feel better again.
When depression strikes you don’t have any control over how deep you go or how long it lasts. It’s a disease, a medical condition, and just because it’s in your head it doesn’t mean it’s in your head, if you get my drift.
If you broke your leg nobody would expect you to run a marathon, you’d get medical attention right away, and you wouldn’t try to hide it. You should think about depression in the same way. When you are depressed there are social, cognitive, and emotional tasks that you aren’t going to be able to do and you and everyone else shouldn’t expect you to be able to do them. There are medical professionals that can help you manage your depression I suggest you see one. Lastly, hiding your depression isn’t doing you any good. If you are going to get better then you need to be open about your problems. Many won’t understand your depression and will offer stupid ass advice like, “you need to cheer up.” Instead of hitting them I just tell people to Google depression and get back to me.
You may not want to get better and if you don’t you are sure as hell not going to get better. You probably have a long list of well thought out reasons you should take your life. The trouble is you are making decisions based on bad data. It is well documented how depression screws with your ability to be objective.
Depression lies to you and it lies outrageously. It erases good memories and magnifies bad ones. It heightens pain and convinces you that just about everything hurts. It makes friends appear as enemies. It tells you that isolating yourself is the only way to be safe and then dumps anxiety on you when you are alone. It makes everything appear dark and faded until you forget how nice a sunny day is. It makes upcycles look pitifully small compared to the monstrous downcycles. It makes death look attractive.
Most people that are depressed think that this is all very logical. It’s just one more rule of nature like gravity. And people who aren’t depressed aren’t really seeing life the way it is.
I’ve been inside and outside that black hole several times. I’ve written down the horrible things my so-called friends have said to me only to go back and see that my dear friends were actually saying the nicest things. I’ve been convinced my GF found me repulsive and later found out she adored me. I’ve endured the trials of dealing with a room full of judgemental, hostile strangers only to discover that most everyone thought I was articulate, intelligent, and entertaining.
I don’t expect you to suddenly jump up and say, “OK, I’ve seen the light,” and live happily ever after. You may be so depressed that is way beyond your control. Or you may be so depressed that you think everything I wrote was massive bullshit and I’m a huge ass. Or you may be in such pain that there really is no way you will ever see a good day again.
All I can do is suggest that there may be another way of looking at your depression. If you want to figure out which end is up then I suggest talking face to face with family and friends about how you feel. Consider counciling. Read the posts here on SP. Compare your experiences with others’ and comment on said posts.
Whether you think my points are valid or not, you should try as many things as possible because there is no refund once you punch your ticket.
”I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise.
— Anaïs Nin, from The Diary Of Anais Nin, Vol. 4: 1944-1947 (via 24ribs)