I don’t know.

Hey, don’t beat yourself up too much or feel to lost when people say i know where you’re coming from and you think to yourself “do they really” I know what its like to not know what to do with life.. My life has beena continuous downward spiral of crap pilled ontop of crap making a heaping pile of shit. And at the bottom of it you guessed right lies me.. Where can I begin for you when I just turned 1 my parents decided to divorce. I ended up living with my father, which sometimes I’d get to visit my mom and see her but not very often. My dad was always working to make ends meet for the first few years and he worked late so I ended up having to go to a daycare. From ages 7-8 The lady who looked after me had a son who was 14 in grade 8 that sexually assaulted me everyday for an entire year. My family never knew about this until a few years ago when i turned 16 but as a kid you could imagine how it scared me. It was my first downfall in life and my first path towards losing myself in depression. It made me socially awkward my entire life and i still am to this day. I dont know how to speak to someone without feeling afraid or as if im in the wrong because quiet frankly i just dont know? I dont know how to interact. To add to it around 10 years old is when my father pretty much (what i believe gave up himself) he stopped caring for me. He didnt care if i went to school, what i did, where my life was heading, and he only let me see my mom twice a year. I had to learn to feed myself and cook for myself because he stopped cooking for me. I never once raised my voice to my father as it would result in a beating. Again my life continued to fall downward. I became even more socially awkward..i became an outcast at school the kid who would always be alone everyday. I couldve lived with my mom but i was afraid as a child to speak up. So i continued through the hard times. As i got older i began to cut around 14.. My life was in shambles, and i finally met a friend oneday who opened up to me on highschool little did i know he thought i was an easy target and someone to use. Being the only kid in my class with a job in grade 9 because i was supporting myself. He showed me weed and i fell in love with a fake happiness.. Another i dont know.. All through highschool i fell into drugs, cocaine, oxies you name it. I’ve been used countless times. But in the end i can’t hate those people nor do i judge them. Life has taught me one thing “I dont know where i am or where im going, im not happy living and everyone I’ve ever met has been fake” but even with all my hardships in life. I have one goal. To be able to smile and laugh one day. To be able to be happy and know that even though i didnt know what to do i lived quiet the journey and experienced more than most people ever will whether good or bad. Keep your chin up, and try not to stress about it. The more you eat at yourself the harder it will be, thats how the human brain works. And if your stuck not getting out of bed, just change your daily routines if I’ve learned one thing its “the human brain makes a habit of something after constantly doing it for 1 week” so for 1 week do everything you can to get out of bed and slowly but surely better times are in the future.