The only thing that makes sense in my life these days is suicide, the rest is just a blur. When I think about improving things my thoughts turn to suicide, when I dream about being with and loving a woman my thoughts turn to suicide. It seems to be there waiting for me at any hour of the day, any thoughts I have turn to it, comforting me with visions of taking a last breath in this world.
I know I mustn’t think like this but I can’t stop it.
I know it will pass, but:-
Tonight I have Suicide on my mind.
7 comments
I know this. I have the same thoughts about suicide. But you know how I think about this stuff ? Our life is like a book, and you know how the story will end. I always wanted to go to the last chapter so I can have peace but I made a deal with myself. I can turn to this page when I want so why don’t I give my book a try, it will be entertaining for someone or even for myself. So I keep on living and hope that there is going to be a nice chapter ahead, if not, I know how to end it.
Maybe you are to much aware of our death and this is good. Good because you don’t sugarcoat reality. Or you are tired of living, like myself. Suicide makes us think that when we die someone will miss us, may it be friends or family.
But in the end we live don’t we ? The choice of living good or bad is our choice, this is what a friend of mine said me today.
But lets just don’t care about death, everyone is dying on this this earth and no one ever failed at dying so it can’t be that complicated. Let it happen when it happens. But it is your decision after all when you want it to happen.
Do it like me, hate life but live to for the sake of living. Never asked my if I like to live or not so when I can live you can live better.
Ty, I keep looking for something in life, through the ups and downs, I keep turning the page as you put it, still time. I hope the next chapters are nice for you.
hugs nias. I am sorry things are so bad right now. I hope you can find reasons to keep going. You’ve been a good friend and I am here if you need to talk.
Thank you Whispers, tomorrow is another day. You make me see that things can be better.
It is hard to change things in your life. But sometimes the hardest things are worth doing. You can do the things we spoke of, I have faith in you. You can make the difference in your own life. You are strong enough, you just need to believe it.
Pursued by suicide. Oh how clear that statement is. so poetic. I never thought of it that way.
I am sorry you are going through this. Keep talking and I will keep listening.
You are not alone, Nias. I have been struggling with the suicide demons for over 30 years. They haven’t won (yet). But I’m not as strong as I once was. And they feel stronger.
Yeah, I think of all my regrets; all my mistakes; all my failures. I think of how, even at 50, I’m still a burden to my aging parents (dad is 80 and mom is 71), and an embarrassment to my entire family. It’s sickening. And then I see the world around me. It’s shit. Mankind is obsessed with murder and killing and stealing and cheating. What’s the point? That’s what I keep asking myself.
I know this is an older post. I hope you’re feeling better now.
But nonetheless, thanks for sharing it.
Your new friend,
Jack