Nobody cares but I need to vent.
So after summer vacations and in the first week of school I tried to kill myself 2 times with pills, one of those times I got 3 days in hospital. After that I started medication and got a bit better. The friendship with my “best friend” is now in a strange phase. I made mistakes that I regret, he is really ice cold and has been avoiding me. This hurts so much that I am getting bad again. Actually I am good sometimes and bad other times, like a rollercoaster and the new medication I started this month is not helping like the previous one. When I come from hospital I wanted to live, I decided to change, to get better, to make new friends, be more myself but now I am at the beginning. Faking happiness when I am not truly happy, no friends except a girl in my new class, and closing myself again, and I don’t want to live anymore.
Everything is useless, people always leave (is not the first time) and at the end everything turns black, so why wait?
I hope everything is going good with you all, I haven’t come here since last September so I missed many posts.
2 comments
People do care.
Why did you have to stop your previous medication if it was helping?
I can understand wanting to live and having those ideas of how to make things better, but changes don’t always come quickly, and there are usually setbacks along the way. If you’re faking happiness I think that’s the thing you should focus on – looking for ways to be more happy. Medication is a start but it’s not enough for most people. You can work on changing the way your brain functions in other ways.
Do you know why you didn’t make new friends? I think it’ll be a lot easier to do when you feel happy again. But it’s worth valuing the people you have as well. At the moment I have to spend a lot of time at home due to health problems, and my best friends are my parents and the people who live in my computer. I don’t talk to many people, and I don’t talk about suicide to anyone except people from SP. There’s one woman I’d consider to be my friend in real life, who I hide with in corners and cloakrooms at parties while the others are socialising. Sometimes I go months without hearing from her, but she always comes back. Then there are a couple of family friends who I’d consider to be more like family. I go some days barely seeing anyone but I try to value the time with them. Maybe you could see more of your new friend, or she could introduce you to other people?
I don’t think everyone will always leave you. If it’s something you expect you’ll keep on seeing it happen and stop seeing the good parts of relationships. You might even see it happen when it never really did. As an example, some people trust others much too quickly to be a part of their life, and then think of it as abandonment when they leave, when really that’s what happens with most people we meet. It sounds like what’s happened with your friend has been painful, but you said there are regrets there. It sounds like whatever happened hurt him. Hopefully he’ll forgive you, but he’s clearly not over it yet. Maybe while you still don’t feel you have friends in real life you could be friends with a pen-pal online, and of course you have all of us to talk to here. So that’s something. It’s important to be able to talk to someone, especially when you’re hiding the pain in real life.
It’s still not been long since you’ve been out of hospital. I hope you give yourself some time to wait and try new ways to start getting better. Everything has turned black so far, but that doesn’t mean you’ll always return here. Give yourself a chance. It sounds like you had plans coming out of hospital to turn your life around, and that’s a hard thing for anyone to do. It’s particularly hard when it’s something you’re doing on your own. Maybe you should stop acting happy just enough to ask for some help and support from people in your life.
I’m sorry things have been so bad, and I really hope things become easier.
So the meds you are on now aren’t helping with the rollercoastering? How long have you been on them and what are they?
Did you ever get officially diagnosed with BPD? Are you seeing a therapist regularly and how often?
I’m sorry to hear there is a rift between your best friend and you. Is he still unhappy about the things you said to him before your birthday or has something else happened?
Have you ever sat down with him and had a frank, open conversation about your mental health issues or do you only mention some of the things you are dealing with casually?
Sorry I am asking a million questions, I am trying to understand where you are at and what’s going on in your life. Don’t feel like you have to answer anything, of course.
I think you are in a bad place and being stable and depressed is better than being unstable and _________ (just about anything). I think you need to hold on and concentrate on school and get though these upcoming holidays. Have some hope for change in the new year.
Thank you for asking how I am doing. So many people forget this kind of courtesy. I have a horrible ear infection that seems to be finally getting better. My dad is slowly dying of COPD. He was in the hospital for a few days and when he came out he was very shaky and bed bound. Now it’s been two weeks. He is still shaky but he was in the kitchen this morning very slowly making French toast. Depression era children are not human is all I can say.