“What keeps you from cutting?”
This question was posed upon me by my therapist recently. My answer was that I want success more than I want momentary relief from psychological pain….
So it’s just not worth it to cut anymore. Also I haven’t yet admitted to the frequency and intensity of suicidal ideation I’ve been enduring since we started talking about “what happened”. I don’t like talking about my uncle and the incest, it hurts me deep inside. I feel like I’m bleeding internally but when I vomit up my anxiety it is nothing but acrid yellow phlegm. I essentially want to rid myself of these demons from the past and the nightmares and the flashbacks and the panic attacks. It is a lot harder work then I had anticipated. I didn’t know that in confronting these feelings I would have to re-experience them. The then me and the now me are at odds with each other. I have an internal battle raging inside me.
So I ask you SP, what keeps you from cutting? I could use a good tip or two.
12 comments
I get my nails done. They are too blunt to damage me. Aside from that nothing. Which really isn’t answering your question in a positive manner is it? Weird as it seems it is the only thing I have found that stops me from doing serious damage to myself.
And now I’m shivering in anticipation of possibly injuring myself. How sick it that?
Hazy Day Sunflower I know exactly how you feel. Now I want to cut too ha. Stereotype I wish I could say that I have something that keeps me from cutting, but I don’t. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, love 🙁
Nothing keeps me from cutting I have a knife collection and if my family sees my cuts they just tell me to hide them better because it makes them look bad
Well aren’t they a bunch of self consumed peaches.
I should have left this post alone because I’m gleefully thinking of doing some damage to myself. anticipating what a relief it will be to just take the plunge. I really need to get my nails done tomorrow. they are like little razors right now. I’m even a little light headed thinking about it.
Hazy I hope you end up doing okay, hurting yourself isn’t a good idea. There’s my obligation to you as an uneducated friend. Now here’s my obligation as a fellow citizen of SP, why do you feel this way? And if you’re ready to self harm are you willing to take that extra step, it isn’t much further. Hope you stick around, but I could see why if you didn’t.
No this is good for me. I need to work this out. I have never been part of a forum like this before. Truthfully no one knows about this obsessive aspect of me. I hadn’t really reflected much on it as I had much bigger fish to fry over the past two weeks. I was desperately trying to stay grounded.
Self harming is a shameful secret for me. All these people who live with me and around me, who work with me and depend on me have no idea I have this compulsion. It seems minor really, taking into consideration all the things that go on in my daily life. I’ve been fighting a full blown manic episode for about 4 weeks now. Today I went to the gym and just killed myself on the treadmill trying to just flush this from my system.
I read that post and this shiver ran up my spine and I could feel the relief it would give me, and denying myself that relief is itself self harm. God help me this feels so good and I feel like a lunatic saying this but it does. No this is good, I have to work through this, I can do this.
I’m not going anywhere.
Just making sure. Compulsive disorders are a *****, ain’t they? I’m with you on that one, but my compulsion is these episodes. Keep going strong Hazy, and learn from the past. You’re obviously very intelligent, so I hope this works out for you, regardless of being a friend.
Fuck me I feel like an alcoholic in an AA meeting gleefully drinking a bottle of tequila.
As long as i dont break the rules i have set for myself.. I dont cut. However i often break those rules… Which i just did break one now by commenting. I hope i helped.
Thanks for the input SP – Hazy I know exactly how you feel. The fight for life is stronger in me then the urge to cut now though. I have come a long way I think – now I just see that light at the end of the tunnel of depression and I’m trying to poke my head through. Honestly though the depression has subsided a great deal it’s just dealing with the trauma that hurts so badly. Sometimes I want to cut but then wouldn’t that bastard who fucked me up in the first place be winner. I am a survivor and so are all of you whether or not you have felt trauma, the illnesses in and of itself brings it’s own kind of trauma. Onward troops!