Fuck this life, man…
Fuck it all… Not even dope can help me heal now… It’s all clear, I’m not meant to live in this world, or any other for that matter…
I hate it when I have to wake up in the morning… Sleeping without any dreams is so peaceful… If death is like that, I want to die. There may be no turning back, but I don’t want to ever wake up again. All I want is to sleep. An eternal sleep, and nothing more. Is that too much to ask of this sadistic world? Perhaps it is…
Because of my new part-time job (as a baker), I can’t even cut/burn myself anymore, which was one of the few things I actually ENJOYED anymore…
It appears to me that the only exit right now is dying, and there is no other way. It is what it is…
My suicidal ideation reaches it’s peak whenever I wake up a few minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off… I look at the clock on my phone every few seconds, and just wait in a complete sense of PURE DREAD, as I know that time is unforgiving and won’t stop, and I’ll have to go through another fucking day of ”life” in this sadistic world…
If only I had the damn guts to cut my wrist open completely 2 years ago, I would be enjoying my eternal rest for now… I’m tired of pretending everything is fine just so I don’t get committed to a fucking crazy hospital and be pumped full of meds and morphine, and where I’m under constant surveillance by some other sadistic fuckers who want to make sure you suffer to the max without letting you die at your own terms…
All this time I had it wrong… Death is nothing to be scared of. It’s not death that causes the pain felt during suicide, it’s the life that tries to make you suffer even on your way out. Death is relief, and the only certainty we will ever have as humans.
Yeah, philosophical mood caused by too much hitting my head against the wall and rocking in the corner planning my suicide.
This may be my last post here. If I’m alive, I’ll post an update in a week at most. If I don’t do it until 8th of December, assume I’m scattered across some railroad in the middle of nowhere or splattered on the ground near a skyscraper.
Out.
6 comments
I also love sleeping. I hate to burst your bubble, but I don’t think death is like sleeping. It’s like pulling the plug on everything. Absolutely everything. Irreversibly.
I can totally relate to how you feel, I just wanted to add my two cents, since I used to think of death like you do, but I think I was wrong.
I think the analogy quite works. We keep just reincarnating. You died and you instantly spawn as new life. There isnt anything like being dead, you cannot not live. The only thing to think about is how painful is this life and that the next life may be much better.
If you stab out your eyes with croissants, like a demented French Oedipus, you will be remembered for years to come.
I know you are in pain so great you can’t think straight. I know the only thing you see clearly is where you went wrong. I know you believe you have a cold sober realistic view of the future you face.
I’ve been there. I’ve been there and I know that everything bad I believed was a lie. I’m telling you it’s a lie for you too.
I’m not saying your future is great. Honestly it’s probably going to be kinda meh. The things you think are unforgivable character flaws are actually very human and pretty common. There is a ton of good things in your past you have forgotten.
How good your life is every day is going to depend on which eye you squint out of. Many days it’s going to be a struggle to figure out how you should look at the world. But I can guarantee you that the older you get the easier it’s going to get to ignore the bullshit and figure out what you really like doing.
Doing things you really like doing is going to be a blast. I’m not talking fun like playing a cool new video game, but fun like loving someone wonderful, or raising a kid, or building a business, or traveling the world, or creating significant art or music.
I understand wanting to check out now. God knows I tried and tried to off myself. You may decide to go through with your plans. I respect your ability to decide that for yourself. I’m making this pitch because I know that the information you are basing your decisions on is skewed all to hell and back.
Lastly, to be totally brutally honest with you I have one last thing to say. You may decide not to kill yourself. You may work hard as hell to live a positive life. And despite it all life will hand you a shit sandwich. I’ve seen that happen too. Life is a crap shoot.
But if you do manage to commit suicide using only croissants I promise you that you will be front page news.
May peace walk with you.
U made me laught with the croissants 😀
Yeah yeah, it’s all fun and games with croissants until somebody loses an eye.
@alexther: I’ll be thinking about you this week. I will be looking for your post. If you decide it is the end I am hoping it is painless. However, if you decide to stay, give me a holler when you get back on here, I’ll post some music for you and maybe chit chat.