just everything

My doctor thinks I might have an endocrine disorder since my hormones are somewhat off and due to some “symptoms” that I have like hirsutism, excessive sweating, and slight edema in the face.  I just thought that I was a hairy person (although the facial hair is relatively new), that lamictal caused the sweating (and hot flashes), and that that was just how my face is genetically (somewhat “pudgy”).  I don’t see an endocrinologist until the 14th, but she went ahead and prescribed me metformin- supposed to help regulate my hormones.  When I see the endocrinologist I’ll probably have more blood work done to see if maybe I have a thyroid problem or PCOS.

In a way, I’m almost glad I might have an endocrine disorder.  Last year when my regular physician thought I had PCOS I was relieved- it would explain why I’ve felt the way I have and why drugs don’t work on me (lamictal is the one exception, but even that isn’t enough to put me into “remission”).  It also makes me angry though, frustrated that it took this long to diagnose it.  If I do have PCOS, then I’ve always had it- why couldn’t it have been discovered earlier?  Why did I have suffer through ten years of depression and useless meds?

I am so tired of being depressed, of having to drag myself through the motions, of crying on a daily basis, of feeling like I can’t enjoy the things that I know that I do factually.  I’m tired of loss, of grieving- two deaths and the end of my most significant relationship in the last 6 years.  And this is on top of the depression, anxiety, and the more day-to-day disappointments (like waking up crying from anxiety for such an extended period of time that I have to withdraw from my classes that semester).

I feel like the loss of my fiance is killing me.  I know that’s how it’s going to be for a while, where each day is painful and hard to get though, but I am so tired. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

Some moments I can force myself to be strong (sort of), to think that I don’t want to let this destroy me- that I will recover and find someone else who makes me just as happy (or more) and who wants to spend their life with me- and would fight for it during the hard times.  I try to remind myself that “living well is best revenge” (revenge isn’t really the right word, but that’s the best I can express the sentiment) and that I can do it- I can be successful and be relatively happy even while grieving.  Part of me wants to recover and have her see that she didn’t destroy me and, selfishly, to see that I’m doing better than she is (even though that’s unlikely seeing as she’s smarter than me and has better social skills).

But those moments never last long.  There are moments where the shock hits me- the unbearable pain that she chose to leave me just cuts right through me.  The loneliness I feel without her; where I used to cry on her shoulder I now cry alone, feeling like there’s no one who cares.  I feel so betrayed that she could leave me- I couldn’t have left her; she was family to me, permanent.  It hurts to be rejected, let alone by the person who is the best thing to ever happen to me (I hope that someday this will no longer be true).  It hurts to see her pushing me away, speaking to me as if I’m an acquaintance as opposed to the person she called her wife only six weeks ago.  I feel like I was just discarded, not good enough for her, and I’m the one losing- the one who feels like they’ve lost everything.  I’m going to just stumble along, sadly, while she succeeds in school and in life- I’d be willing to bet she gets into another serious relationship before I do.  She always seemed to be getting hit on (maybe because she looks gay where I don’t?).

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to be happy as much as I do now.  Maybe because I believe it’s possible now.  Or maybe the TMS is working and I am less depressed (I think I might be, but it’s hard to tell since I’m still sad due to grief).  I even tried yoga to help with my anxiety and I hate yoga (although I did feel like the alternate nostril breathing helped, way more than the square breathing technique that a counselor taught me).  I have even forced myself to smile at times, something my ex said helped her when she was in the hospital.

I hate the grieving process.  I just want to be at the fucking acceptance stage already.