Angels

My moods have been awful lately, as have the Angels. For months my moods have been out of control. Some days I’ll wake up somewhat okay, and by the afternoon I cannot stand to be around anyone – and the degree of this type of mood fluctuates for roughly 4-5 days.

Then I can have an okay mood last for a period of time, also – yet, this is happening less often now. However, it’s my anger that’s the worst at the moment. My outbursts are becoming more frequent, and the reasons are becoming less obvious. Sometimes they happen due to the slightest change in my circumstances, or if someone’s mood changes slightly.

My mum is getting annoyed with it and does no job in hiding it. Sometimes she mimics my bad mood, going as far as yelling back at me. She acts like it’s my fault, yet she knows I can’t control how my mood is. If my mood is awful, it’s impossible to turn ‘happy Georgia’ on. I’m not even sure she exists anymore.

It’s been almost three days since I saw Jeremy. I hate not seeing him. No one’s asked about him in months, and he’s happy with that. I’m happy with that. Jeremy’s mine, and my psychiatrist was getting to a point where she kept asking all these questions about him. She’s not his to know about; and so Jeremy and I agreed I wouldn’t mention him for a while, and everyone stopped asking.

In the time he’s been gone the voices have seemingly doubled in volume and quantity. Usually I can pick out between 5-7. Most days it’s either 3 or 4 (I can’t tell if two of them are the same one or not). But it’s all just a racket in my head. It sounds as though I’m in a crowded room. Occasionally they quieten – they all still speak, but it’s somewhat quietly and I don’t have to struggle as much to hear what other around me are saying. I always hear them, but I’ve never told my psychiatrist. I can’t tell her. They said it would make it worse if she knew how often. That’s the same reason I can’t tell her they’re Angels. She’ll interfere. She’ll question me, and they don’t want her to know. She’s already trying to get me.

They say she knows I haven’t been taking my mediation. She’s angry, because I’m still here. If I don’t take the medication she can’t hurt me. I think she knows that I know that now.
She doesn’t help me because she wants me to get worse. That’s what the Angels say. That’s why whenever I mention something she dismisses it immediately. Despite me saying before I tell her anything that I don’t believe I will have a mental illness she instantly says something along the lines of ‘I think we can all agree you don’t have a serious mental illness’. Before I properly explain what’s going on with my moods, she says that and moves on. Both myself and my mum tried to tell her a couple weeks ago about my anger outbursts and extreme mood swings, yet she wouldn’t talk of it. She only asked if it’s occurred before, so I said yes and she ignored it. She doesn’t want to delve any further into these things because she doesn’t want to help me. I don’t want to see her anymore. I don’t trust her. She’s gotten to know me, and the Angels don’t like that.

I haven’t saw my therapist in four months. I’m supposed to see her on the 23rd, but I have to cancel. I’m allowed to speak to her about anything – besides the fact that the voices are Angels. She doesn’t know me, and they say that’s okay. As long as she doesn’t know too much, I can speak to her.