So, I changed my mind. What changed my mind?
I was ready to go through with it. I was tired. I still am. I cant sleep at night, I cant handle the flashbacks of every horrible thing that has happened. But I still decided to stick around.
When midnight hit, I took my rope and the book I write my dark things in to my peaceful place. I wanted my family to find my book and realise how messed up I had been for the past few months.
I sat there smoking weed and drinking gin for a while, enjoying the peace one last time on this earth before finally having eternal peace on the unknown. It felt nice for a second.
Then I kept hearing this annoying barking and howling. Where was it coming from? It was ruining my moment. It was coming from that house. The flashbacks came rushing back, and so did my rage. I remembered that they once set that dog on me. They stood there watching as I screamed trying to get it off me, laughing, enjoying the fucking show, until my brother got it off me. It bit my leg. I had to take seven shots of antirabies and needed an incision and drainage of an abscess on my leg. That was last year.
I couldnt let that barking ruin my last night on earth. That barking couldnt be the last thing I heard.
I had a score to settle with that damn dog. I hate it. So, I rushed back into the house and grabbed the biggest kitchen knife I could get my hands on. I planned on stabbing the shit out of it. And I did. I dont even know how many times I went off at it. There was so much blood. I was covered in blood. I felt all the rage leave my body in that moment. I no longer felt the need to kill myself. I took the bloodied knife and went back under my tree. I lay there looking at the sky drinking and smoking more weed until I passed out.
I was woken up in the morning by my mother, the rope and knife still with me, and that damn dog barking.
Fuck! I was dreaming. It was a damn dream. But it made me feel better. Letting all that rage out like that felt awesome.
I gave my mother some story about why I had the rope and knife with me.
So, I want to see how all this will end. For now, it wont end with me taking my life so soon.