I don’t think he hates you, and i can’t see why anyone would hate someone else for a message like that. You’re not offensive to him, you’re not being disrespectful or anything, and you’re generalizing people in a way that’s sort of right. If anything you’re being mostly hard on yourself, which is not a reason to hate someone.
If i had to guess, most likely he hasn’t seen the message yet or he’s just having a hard time replying to it, because for a “regular” person, that’s a lot of info to digest, because it says a lot about how you feel about yourself and the rest of the world. Hopefully it’s just that and nothing else 🙂
Hey i do agree with Mf, mostly maybe hes confused and just need to find out what he really wants to tell you, to say the right thing you know? theres nothing better than think before speaking 🙂
Anyway, as I was saying, I’m glad that you think that I’m being too hard on myself, because that means that you think of me as at least a semi-decent person.
And you might be right, maybe I am being hard on myself. But whenever I look inside myself, all I see is a twisted mockery of the good person I used to be. I mean, I was born a terrible person, but about four years ago, I had started to turn everything around for the better. Then I started to sour again, and now I’m worse than I was before. Hate, hate, hate. That’s all I think, when I pass by a mirror or when I have too much time to think about myself as a person. Hate, hate, hate.
And like I said in the texts, I feel like if someone would hurt me every time I did something bad, then maybe I’d eventually become good again. Or maybe it only has to happen once. One instance of someone viciously beating me within an inch of my life. Or someone kidnapping me and torturing me. I don’t know. I know I scare people when I talk about it, but I don’t care. I know it sounds fucked up, but I don’t care. There’s nothing I want more than for someone to hurt me. To really, really hurt me. The idea makes me happy. Not truly happy but a sort of perverted shadow of “happy”. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers. Better to be pseudo-happy than not happy at all.
You’re probably right, anyhow. Why would he hate me? He is probably very shaken…as you said, it is a lot to take in. I love him so much. I want him to be okay. I wish I hadn’t told him any of that.
Actually if you read up your post from a different perspective, you might realize yourself that you’re not a bad person. FTR i don’t really believe in the bad/good person thing, since we all have potential to be both good and bad.
If it bothers you so much tho, you could always turn it around again, but in a more controlled way. I’m saying this because i was an awful human being for many many years, and then i did turn things around… until enough crap happened to make me start being an ***hole again. What i learned from that is that you have to draw the line somewhere, otherwise circumstances/people will weight on you sooner or later.
Actually… there is someone beating you up tho, yourself, emotionally. All it takes in the end is the decision and drive to turn things around, regardless of someone beating you up or not. I do understand the need to sort of feel punished tho, because… well, been there.
I do hope things work out fine with your situation. I have no comment on whether you should ask him first or not, but if you end up doing it try a subtle approach, but i don’t think it was a bad thing. I’d rather really know who i’m dealing with even if it shocks me, instead of being deceived by a controlled projected image, and if this person really cares about you like you do for him, i’m guessing he’d prefer the same.
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I don’t think he hates you, and i can’t see why anyone would hate someone else for a message like that. You’re not offensive to him, you’re not being disrespectful or anything, and you’re generalizing people in a way that’s sort of right. If anything you’re being mostly hard on yourself, which is not a reason to hate someone.
If i had to guess, most likely he hasn’t seen the message yet or he’s just having a hard time replying to it, because for a “regular” person, that’s a lot of info to digest, because it says a lot about how you feel about yourself and the rest of the world. Hopefully it’s just that and nothing else 🙂
Do you think I should talk to him first, instead of waiting for him to answer me?
I’m glad you think I’m being hard on myself, because it means that y
I’m sorry wait one second. Fucking mobile.
Hey i do agree with Mf, mostly maybe hes confused and just need to find out what he really wants to tell you, to say the right thing you know? theres nothing better than think before speaking 🙂
Thanks Allitends, I really do appreciate your words. Things sometimes need to be repeated for me to believe them.
Anyway, as I was saying, I’m glad that you think that I’m being too hard on myself, because that means that you think of me as at least a semi-decent person.
And you might be right, maybe I am being hard on myself. But whenever I look inside myself, all I see is a twisted mockery of the good person I used to be. I mean, I was born a terrible person, but about four years ago, I had started to turn everything around for the better. Then I started to sour again, and now I’m worse than I was before. Hate, hate, hate. That’s all I think, when I pass by a mirror or when I have too much time to think about myself as a person. Hate, hate, hate.
And like I said in the texts, I feel like if someone would hurt me every time I did something bad, then maybe I’d eventually become good again. Or maybe it only has to happen once. One instance of someone viciously beating me within an inch of my life. Or someone kidnapping me and torturing me. I don’t know. I know I scare people when I talk about it, but I don’t care. I know it sounds fucked up, but I don’t care. There’s nothing I want more than for someone to hurt me. To really, really hurt me. The idea makes me happy. Not truly happy but a sort of perverted shadow of “happy”. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers. Better to be pseudo-happy than not happy at all.
You’re probably right, anyhow. Why would he hate me? He is probably very shaken…as you said, it is a lot to take in. I love him so much. I want him to be okay. I wish I hadn’t told him any of that.
Actually if you read up your post from a different perspective, you might realize yourself that you’re not a bad person. FTR i don’t really believe in the bad/good person thing, since we all have potential to be both good and bad.
If it bothers you so much tho, you could always turn it around again, but in a more controlled way. I’m saying this because i was an awful human being for many many years, and then i did turn things around… until enough crap happened to make me start being an ***hole again. What i learned from that is that you have to draw the line somewhere, otherwise circumstances/people will weight on you sooner or later.
Actually… there is someone beating you up tho, yourself, emotionally. All it takes in the end is the decision and drive to turn things around, regardless of someone beating you up or not. I do understand the need to sort of feel punished tho, because… well, been there.
I do hope things work out fine with your situation. I have no comment on whether you should ask him first or not, but if you end up doing it try a subtle approach, but i don’t think it was a bad thing. I’d rather really know who i’m dealing with even if it shocks me, instead of being deceived by a controlled projected image, and if this person really cares about you like you do for him, i’m guessing he’d prefer the same.