I always knew someone in my family would kill themselves. My family is huge so someone had to. But I always thought that person would be me. Not my cousin. And now I realized that even though I want to kill myself I don’t want me to be the cause of my death. I want it to be because of something else. Because if I kill myself they’ll blame themselves and I don’t want people to blame themselves for something that I want. Because they won’t understand that it is me they should blame. I’m spiraling down again. I got in a car accident on Saturday and ever since after that I wish it killed me. But now I only have a strained neck muscle. Why couldn’t it have killed me instead?
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This is actually one of the things keeping me from suicide myself. I know that if I do it, someone’s world is going to just fall apart. My mother especially would be devastated by it. People aren’t going to understand. I hope you have a speedy recovery–excuse the pun
I’m sorry to hear about your cousin by the way. That can’t be easy either.
I wasn’t close to him, he was at least 10 years older than me. It just sucks for his family, he had a wife a daughter and a step son. I’m kinda happy for him because he was able to get out of here. My parents want me to go to his funeral, but it’s in Florida so I don’t have to go unless they somehow get an extra 400+ dollars to take me too. I don’t want to go just because everyone will be sad, and they’re blaming his death on the fact of he was in the military and was in Iraq and saw shit and never wanted to talk about it, and I don’t think I can handle that. I’m not sad for him, I’m happy he made it out of this hellhole. It’s something I wish I could do, but can’t. And my neck actually doesn’t hurt much anymore, but the car accident ruined my chance to see the person who actually makes me want to live because I was suppose to drive down tomorrow to go to my old high schools band concert where I would see him, but I don’t have a car and no one can/wants to drive me 1.5hrs to get there. And I don’t want to spend $40 to take a bus down there.