I’m back to wanting to die. Same reason, there’s no hope.

I’ve been putting it off the suicidal thoughts or attempts. I just wake up and live everyday. Hoping, waiting.. For what I know will never come. I relive every possible discussion, decision or thoughts or reasons that I had in my mind that led me to this point. Hope and support that ppl of sp bring. I just live and don’t like it. I try and forget, but I don’t. The memories are trapped inside me of a life with someone that will never happen again. I try and do what support suggests, ask myself if theres any hope. And I know there isnt. Doesnt matter if i pray, or do good deeds or anything. I want to do it out of spite. But I can’t, I can’t wish other ppl harm. I just think about myself and choices and words i said to bring me here. But I want to not live forever anymore. I want to die. I don’t want drugs, i tried some.. I skipped xmas that made me feel awful too. I’ve been praying for death. I can’t be helped, or saved or whatever. I can’t keep holding on to nothing. I can’t keep living like a sad person for much longer.