I always knew I never mattered. So what’s happening now shouldn’t be a surprise.
I had to get away from home. I couldn’t run away and it wasn’t the time to commit suicide just yet.
I hid in the cupboard. Its nearing my 6th hour in here and no one realised I was gone. They sat at the table for dinner without me and chatted and laughed, never noticing my absence. I guess it doesn’t matter.
My father (biological) told me today that he got married. Since last Friday. I didn’t even know he was engaged. I guess I didn’t matter enough for him to tell me.
Maybe he was going to, but forgot because I’m practically invisible to him.
I am insignificant to everyone.
Days like these remind me why I should do it , why I should just take the damn pills.
Days like these remind me how much better off everyone would be without me.
I think its time to set a date.
I think its time I put everyone out of their misery.
Its time to put me out of mine.
I just hope that my absence is not recognised when I’m actually gone. By then, it would be too late. Anyway, it shouldn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter now, it never will.
6 comments
That is so awful. The feeling I hate the most is the feeling that I don’t exist. That I don’t really matter to anybody. The thing is though that you would really be punishing yourself for the bad behaviour of others if you end your life. I think it would punish them as well but it would rule out ever finding happiness yourself. Sometimes I find some freedom in being invisible, at least I don’t have to worry what people think of me.
@bruiseviolet thanks so much this made me look at it from another perspective.
this makes me furious. I’m going to loan you some of my righteous anger tonight because mine is overflowing.
Parents that violate their contract with children, any children, are square in my cross hairs. There is something insidious about an adult that causes children to feel invisible. Any child, not just their own children. Gah, for them to now even notice you had disappeared? For your father to get married and not even give you the courtesy of letting you know. Here, have some of my righteous fury because it is totally going to waste tonight.
I’m so sorry, I am so sorry that you want to kill yourself and you think that your life is insignificant. There is not one human being on this planet whose life is insignificant. Each of us, every damn one of us, is important, you included insignificant, and you know what doubly so you, because you need love so very much.
I couldn’t agree more with Hazy. As usual.
I just want to add something to corroborate her claim: one of my biggest hobbies is entomology. I know it’s weird, but I totally adore creepy crawlies. Anyway, ants. People step on them all the time without so much as thinking about it. They seem so small and, well…insignificant. But they really, really aren’t.
When an ant dies, the others mourn. (They’re a lot more human than we think) They literally grieve. They also bury their dead, in special chambers in the nest. Food rations can be affected by the death. So can the Queen’s brood and her own health. Whole scouting routes can change as a result. Which can affect the surrounding landscape. The ecosystem. And all of the life in it. A single ant’s life is so precious.
And if one ant is significant, you are too. Millions of times more, even. I don’t care what your parents think. You’re worth more than gold. Please try to believe that. I know it’s hard. But you have to try.
OMG WF brilliant, simply brilliant.
Next time I want you to lay on the table, not the closet. let them ignore you then. If your family treats you like you’re “troubled” then I’d get busy showing them what troubled really does. Go ahead and be an ass, they alredy treat you like one