It’s been 10 days

It has been ten days since i moved back home. i don’t know what i feel right now. but my head keeps trying to find ways to escape from here. i was suppose to see the person i can talk to 10 days ago.but they were out of town. and i don’t want to text them and bother them during the holidays. i know they can help figure me out right now. i don’t want to go back to college. i hated college. i never wanted to go in the first place, but i had to. if i didn’t, i would have no place to live. i might not have a place to live soon if i don’t go down to the community college and apply for the next semester, but i really don’t want to. i dont want to go to college. i want to go somewhere else. i just want to have a job somewhere. all i want is to live away from my family. i want a husband and a baby and a dog. i want to start my own life. my own family. but that will never happen. ive never been asked out before. ive never been in a romantic relationship. and i just feel not worthy enough to be able to be in one of those relationships, even though i really want to, and kinda need to. i need someone to be able to physically show me they love me instead of just assuming i know. because i don’t know if someone loves me. i don’t know if someone even likes me. i think that in the ten days since ive moved home, i started losing some of my emotion. i had to work christmas eve, which is when my dads side of the family has a christmas party, so i missed it, i didn’t even care. im usually wanting to go to because of my cousins and i decently like that side of the family. but i didn’t give a shit at all that i wasn’t going. then i had to work for 9 hours on christmas. and i just want to leave. i keep thinking of ways i can get out of here, but i can’t im stuck. im stuck here and i cant leave. there is no way i can leave without me being literally homeless. i don’t even have my own car. so i couldn’t even live in my own car. i wish i could leave but i can’t. i want my own family, but not even one person in my life has shown me that someone could possibly think about me in that way.