Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy or something is wrong with me. Most days are okay in the beginning. Then something small changes and I fell like it comes crashing and spiraling down again. That sadness that follows me is back and it’s like it grabs a hold of me for the longest of time. It doesn’t go away until I’ve cried so long that my eyes, head, throat, and body hurt. I feel like I’ve lost my friends and family within that past two years. It’s getting harder and harder to open up to anyone. My family seems like it’s falling apart. I’m afraid to ask what’s wrong. Let alone to get help… I’ve thought about suicide. But I would never go through with it.
There isn’t much I look forward to in life anymore. I don’t have goals for myself. School is so stressful. I need to pick a major and college. I need to get a job. Etc. Family and people get too overwhelming many times a day. I’ve thought about asking for a therapist or something like that. But I always chicken out before I ask my mom. We aren’t very close, never have been to be honest. And I don’t even bother with my dad.
I’m just a bunch of could’ve been’s and should’ve been’s. I don’t know what to do anymore. Sometime I forget I’m still alive. I’m just full of nothings.
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So, hey I guess. I’m new. Read a few stories and thoughts of others and decided to join. I’m a horrible writer so half of what I say won’t make sense. Til then.
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2 comments
I do get this. I understand somewhat what you mean. Im always here if you ever need to talk. Im also new here.
Hello Young,
First off, I have to say, glad you’re reaching out in your time of need, and glad you decided to do it here. Too often we try and handle the weight of the world by ourselves.
Secondly, I can identify what you’re going through. That sense of lost hopelessness. The feeling that there’s no point in going on, but it’s too late to turn back.
Just to make it clear. You’re not full of nothings, Your best days are not behind you, and your story has just started to be written. Don’t focus on the darkness of the past, nor the bleakness of the future, just come into the Here and Now.
What you’re going through is change. Major change at that. So a feeling of unease, unsettlement, and like you have a lack of direction – that’s completely normal and totally fine.
The first thing you can do (since you’ve already acknowledged how you feel) is to come to a place of non-judgment. You are exactly where you are meant to be, no sooner, no later. Just right on time.
Sometimes everything you know has to fall apart – in order for something even more beautiful and incredible to be built in its place.
Family can be a very very tricky subject just because of the many various currents and possible existing structures within them. Just remember, It’s not your fault, what is meant to be will be.
Don’t worry about asking for a therapist, there is nothing wrong with needing a little help and guidance in sorting out life – it’s what they are there for. I can say from personal experience, they can help A Lot. If you fear what your mother might think or say, just be genuine, be yourself, speak from your heart. You’d be amazed at what you can do =)
Just keep your chin up, give yourself the gifts of time, patience, and compassion.
Calmly focus on one thing at a time. The Journey of a thousand Miles begins with but a single step and The Man who successfully moves the mountain – is the one who begins with the smallest stones.
Good Luck with everything
May the Peace, Harmony and Joy be your constant companions
-Zen