Do I want to die? 99.99% of me says yes. It is only me that can answer why and I am aware that It, the reason why, is all in my head.
I don’t know how to explain, the best that I can come up with is that I have awoken from a dreamworld that I’ve lived in for most of my life. I am not in any way, shape, or form lying or being misleading when I say that I grew up in isolation. I internalized just about everything. From the isolation, there wasn’t anyone who wanted to get close to me–no aunts or uncles though they were only about 15km away; the distance may as well have been worlds away. I grew up basically in a prison of isolation and it has taken me such a very long time to realise this. I guess I could explain my mental state somewhere between a dream and coping with my newfound awakening. My parents were/are hermits, were/are social recluse.
The world doesn’t feel real anymore. I don’t connect with people, I don’t think I ever have–at least how others do. I can’t cope with the real world, away from my dream. I unfortunately cannot re-renter the dream now that I’ve awoken; Pandora’s box cannot be unopened. I recognise my reflection in the mirror but it isn’t me.
None of this makes sense I am sure, only to me. I have struggled mentally for so long and wish it would end. I simply do not care and wish to bid adieu.