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by Mark_1981

Do I want to die? 99.99% of me says yes. It is only me that can answer why and I am aware that It, the reason why, is all in my head.

I don’t know how to explain, the best that I can come up with is that I have awoken from a dreamworld that I’ve lived in for most of my life. I am not in any way, shape, or form lying or being misleading when I say that I grew up in isolation. I internalized just about everything. From the isolation, there wasn’t anyone who wanted to get close to me–no aunts or uncles though they were only about 15km away; the distance may as well have been worlds away. I grew up basically in a prison of isolation and it has taken me such a very long time to realise this. I guess I could explain my mental state somewhere between a dream and coping with my newfound awakening. My parents were/are hermits, were/are social recluse.

The world doesn’t feel real anymore. I don’t connect with people, I don’t think I ever have–at least how others do. I can’t cope with the real world, away from my dream. I unfortunately cannot re-renter the dream now that I’ve awoken; Pandora’s box cannot be unopened. I recognise my reflection in the mirror but it isn’t me.

None of this makes sense I am sure, only to me. I have struggled mentally for so long and wish it would end. I simply do not care and wish to bid adieu.

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Ellieanna 1/7/2016 - 6:29 am

I know all about isolation. My parents managed to push both sets of aunts and uncles away. The first when I was 2, the second about 8 years ago. I only had my mother and father in the end. No siblings really. And my mother doesn’t believe mental illness exist, that we are all faking it for attention and a magic switch can make it better. I was seeing a therapist when I was 16, my mothers comment “just fix her fast”. She wasn’t even paying for it, it was all covered. It sucks being alone. It hurts. It’s hard. And you are right, you can’t fall back asleep. But maybe, maybe you can find a new dream to have?

Mark_1981 1/7/2016 - 1:53 pm

My mother, in hindsight, was not mentally sound. I think she knew it but didn’t know both equally at the same time as she often described herself as “backward”. I think she had a concept of mental illness but was too oblivious to herself and others close to her. She believed psychiatrists or anyone in the mental health field were evil or “did the Devil’s work”. If you are familiar to the movie Carrie, Carrie’s mother loosely describes my mother which I pointed out to my sister who I would say reasonably agreed (she definitely didn’t disagree). There were a lot of things that were evil, the list is long. My mother was/is easily described as someone semi-paranoid of people judging her. She was/is never wrong–never. She played a game of chess with her children, manipulating her children to “be on her side” against her husband (my father) and any act of normal childlike “coming of age” behaviour was an act of betrayal. We were instructed to not share of the ongoing of the household, warned that if we did “they” would take us away (circa my age 6 or 7). People who I came somewhat close to (as close as possible) at school were never permitted to my house, nor I theirs. It took me years to slowly wake up, finally talk with counsellors and psychiatrists who have very easily pegged that I was/am a victim of brainwashing. At 34, turning 35 this year, and only just recently waking up from my dream I fail to see much point in carrying forward in life. I try to decipher whether or not if I had been exposed to a healthy family environment if I’d be in the same mental state. I’ve concluded that things would have been incredibly different. I know that at some point growing up I entered into my dreamworld I just don’t know when. Yeah, I’m a survivor but there’s not a whole lot to mere surviving when the very world you know if not the world around you.

Silverbolt74 1/7/2016 - 11:45 am

You are not alone. While our situations are not be exactly the same, I can understand the feelings of isolation. I grew up on a farm in a rural area and my main contact with others kids was school, but never got included. I’m going through similar feelings of awakening from a dreamworld. I have basically lived in my own little world most of my life. I’m currently in counseling and have asked my counselor to let me know about group sessions that may help me. So far I’ve done one group for mindfulness. I won’t lie, it was difficult, but it was a start. Once awakened, keep going.

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