I hate myself. I really don’t know how much longer I can hold out. I don’t believe in myself to make it through 2016. I find new things to hate about myself everyday and I can’t sleep without having nightmares. I’m mentally and emotionally drained 24/7. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live either. I think of killing myself every hour of everyday because I just can’t do it anymore and it just seems so much better than how I am now. If I just ended everything, I wouldn’t feel, I couldn’t and all the pain would end. I know that there are people that care about me that would get hurt if I killed myself and I would regret it but I just wish I was never born. I wish I could get hit by a car because then no one could blame themselves for me dying. It’s also not just myself, it’s the world. I hate seeing people suffering and I feel awful about having all this while others have nothing. This society we as humans created is cruel and twisted. It is hell. We are monsters. Just seeing war or a starving kid in the world makes me wish I never existed. With each minute I get more and more depressed and the thought of suicide is right there. I can’t talk to anyone about anything without making things worse. Some people know I’m depressed and that I’m really close to committing suicide but they don’t do anything, they don’t care and I don’t blame them. I given up on myself since the beginning. I don’t think there’s ever been a time when I was happy, where nothing felt wrong. Every night I cry myself to sleep with the thoughts of the past I wish to forget but I can’t. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of myself. I’m tired of living. I’m tired of everything. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I just can’t. The only thing keeping me here right now is the though of hurting anyone I love with dying and fear. Without that I’d be dead but it’s also something that haunts me. I’m never going to change and things are never going to get “better”. I’m stuck like this forever. So I’m just going to waste away my life till that time I decide to take my life. Im just a waste of space and a burden to others. I’ve always been in the way of everything and fucked everything up. I’m sorry. It’s useless and this is pointless. I just needed something to take my mind off the pain. But honestly, would anyone care if I died tomorrow? Everyone would be better off without me, right? I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt anyone.
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8 comments
Me too 🙁 i feel every word every time i tell snyone they say, “you can change if you want to” or something similar. Some kind of pep talk like depression is a choice that i’m making. 🙁 i dont wanna be here anymore.
I told someone I was feling a little up today, and the answer was: see how you can control it? It”s a matter of will.
It got me so confused, because I am feeling better, but it was hard, and then they come and say: see, it is so simple.
And then I thought that I did this to myself, and it made me feel guilty… because I shouldn’t be feeling down…. And yet…
So yeah, I really know what you mean.
Depression isnt a choice. Living.. That’s a choice. What happens when someone who loves you knows that you’ve died, and they blame themselves? What happens if they deide that life isn’t worth living because they don’t have you anymore? Butterfly effect dear. Welcome to SP, the one place everyone can speak their thoughts and rant.
Yeah I know it’d hurt some people (very few people) but it’s not like I’d mean to. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I know that one day I’m going to break and then I’m not sure what I’d do then. I’m already lost and confused as is so if I lose what little sanity I have left I don’t think I’d recover from it
Hey, you are a sensitive person and that’s a heavy burden. But that’s not a bad thing in itself, it takes a long way to learn to deal with it… You do care about so many things that it makes it difficult. Most people find it so difficult that they rather turn their heads and keep minding what they can handle while hoping things get better on their own. So don’t think that the people that see you suffering don’t care for you. They just don’t know how to react.
Depression scares people because no one knows what to do, not even the ones that have been there all their lives know what to say or do.
And even when those around you do care, they are hopping for things to heal themselves, they are scare and they hope for you to feel better if you give it time (not a real solution) or for you to cry it aloud so strong that they can’t pretend nothing is happening.
But when they pretend I don’t exist and leave when I show the slightest sign of sadness doesn’t really make it seem like they really care much. I have a habit of pushing people away and lashing out on others near me when I’m sad but not one person every cares enough to say anything but “get over it” or “life is hard.”. Not one person ask if I’m ever okay. So fear or not it hurts…
I know it sucks to feel like you’re not what you are, or you should be what you’re not, and this might sound dull or corny, but it CAN get better. And, unfortunately, it’s strife. Don’t feel like you’re diminishing others or taking things for granted, because what you’re going through IS shit, and the empathy you have for the pain of others is an admirable quality. I’d rather hear from you tomorrow than hear you’ve died.
I hate myself too. I tricked myself thinking I could or was feeling better.I am not.