Yup…
But it’s not the usual, it returned… It returned much worse than before… MUCH, much worse…
I can feel whatever’s left of my sanity fading away as I am drawn back into the cycle of repetitive days, with the time barely moving on during the parts of the day I hate, and flying by during the few moments I enjoy in the day.
Then, going back to bed, thinking with dread that tomorrow will be another day I will have to wake up and face the world. Another day I will be reminded with every occasion of the failure that I am. Eventually falling into an uneasy and exhausting sleep full of stress-caused twitching and rolling around for 4-5 hours, then being woken up by my father. Trying to snooze a little more, I am always reminded that I ”spend too much time awake at night”.
Going out on the balcony for the first cigarette of the day. No coffee, nah. I look forward to sleeping in my first couple of classes, high school rules be damned.
Arriving at High School. My last year in this hellhole, yet 7 more months seem like an eternity away. The worst is when I think that after I finish this, I will have to go to college in order to please my family, even though it’s not what I want. Fuck society, I want to go back to my home country and back to my old city, and just bury myself in shit along with my fellow low-life gang-member friends. Not the kind of friends you’d choose if you had the option, but they’re the only ones who ever did something for me without any intention to profit later.
Anyway, arriving at High School, entering the building. Getting some half-assed insults hurled at me by some faggots, barely controlling my urges to bash their brains in.
Class starts… 8 hours of sitting in a chair and wishing the fucking clock would move faster already, getting constant observations about how I don’t pay attention and getting about 1 hour of detention each day for ”not studying”. I rarely ever attend that, and the few times I do, I’m just going there to fuck with the supervisors and get kicked out after 10-15 minutes.
Friday afternoon! Yay, yoohoo and all that crap! Everyone goes drinking, shooting up and generally having a good time, but I gotta go ”sleep early” because I’m working tomorrow… I down a few shots of Vodka at some cheap ass pub, my home close to home, and go sleep when I’m drunk enough to kill my insomnia. Even the weird junkie guy who talks to his right hand during lunch break must have a better time than me tonight…
The few times I go out with friends, we go drinking, maybe visit some whorehouse (which is legal here in Germany) and I end up going home and starting to feel miserable again.
Will write a suicide note tomorrow during class, and leave it somewhere visible in my room, probably on my desk. Then, I will probably end it, depends on whether I’ll finally have the fuckin’ balls to go through with it or not.
Only other ”option” would be to go back and follow my own path, but that’s not possible. I am chained to the people related to me who want me to do what they want me to do. So, suicide is the only option available for me. Or I could always just keep moving on until I finally have a break down in front of everyone and get sent to a white padded room in a straitjacket.
Anyway, rant over…
Damn I want some dope right now, could really use it…
2 comments
@alex: wanted to let you know I read this and want to give you some feedback but my phone is going to die in….4, 3, 2….
Look for it later tonight. Don’t take any dirt naps until then m’kay?
@alex: I thought about what you wrote here. Why kill yourself when you can just leave? There is no one on this earth that can make you do a damn thing if you are of legal age.
I packed my shit at 18 and hit the road. I couldn’t stand living with my mentally ill mother one more day. She attempted to stop me, this big giant intervention with my father, who she hates and half the fucking neighborhood. I told her smell ya later.
So instead of killing yourself why no just get the hell out of there after graduation?