Confused

I got my dog back.

At least I think so.  My ex just dropped her off at my parents’ house, barely saying anything to my mom.  I assume this means she’s my dog again, because coming back to get her as if I were just babysitting- that would be so cruel and I don’t believe my ex could ever be cruel.

I’m thrilled to have her back, but confused to how I got her.  It shouldn’t matter- I can’t get my ex to want to be with me again, so it shouldn’t matter what she thinks of me, right?  Except maybe in terms of friendship, but that’s at least months away and that’s not what I’m missing right now.  I’m missing the companionship, having someone to come home to- and the future that we’d imagined for us: starting our careers, having kids, living overseas.  I feel like I’m missing it more as time goes on, not less.

But I have my dog now.  And I do feel like the TMS treatments (and maybe the medication to regulate my hormones) are helping.  I still feel utterly sad which is fucking confusing and frustrating.  I still have anxiety that makes me feel like I can’t exist like a normal human being in both doing well in school and in having some sort of social life.

But I am trying.  That’s what I’ve always done.  In varying degrees, sure, but ever since I graduated high school the only break I’ve taken from college was during summers I visited my parents (when they were living overseas) or semesters where I ended up having to withdraw from the semester because my anxiety and/or depression were too bad for me to be capable of passing.  It’s not a fun way to live, just doing the bare minimum to get by.

But somehow I got to this point where I only have 4 more classes left (although it’s take a year to do them).  I really wish I wasn’t grieving.  I wish more than anything to still have the life I had, where I had a fiance, two dogs, and a rough plan for the future. But I don’t.  And the only real choice I have is to continue what I’ve been doing, at least doing the bare minimum (although I think I’ll be able to do more than that, especially as time goes on).  I just hope I find someone to spend my life with and in time to have a family.