It’s strange, how one can be in so much pain, that they “numb” out, yet the pain seems to only grow stronger. You smile, give a laugh, when all you really want to do is break down: scream, shout, burst into ragefull tears. All you really want is to let someone know just how much you hurt, just how much you wish you could swallow a little more pain in order to self-implode and just fade away. But pride is a shameful thing, due to it, you would rather suffer and die in silence than tell a single soul that the darkness is pulling you down once again. You fear of telling anyone, you know the consequences: they will rat you out and you will be locked up and the key will be thrown away until “they” feel you’re sick and twisted mind has been healed. Why is it that the people who say they love you make you suffer for telling a simple truth? Why do they have to be so selfish? Why can they not just leave you be, let you fade away? They say they care, but if that were true, then why can they not just leave you be, let you die in peace? Can they not see that putting an end to your pain is less selfish and unjust than them forcing you to stay alive for them and them alone? It is unjust for them to keep you on life support (doped up on medication), just so that they can have you around for a little while longer, and you will be forced to live in silent misery. Your parents say they want to know when you are hurting, that you can trust them and open up to them; but the moment you expose your pain to them, they turn their back on you; they criticize you, say you are not fighting hard enough, not trying hard enough. Not trying hard enough for whom? Because you know that you are giving it your all, sacrificing an endless dark peace in order to stay alive for their own selfish reasons and suffer with each second that passes you by… Oh how you long to dig a hole in the earth and bury yourself, how you wish to lie in it’s cool bliss for eternity… But no, you have no choice, you have no freedom; you are forced to live a miserable and pathetic existence for those you USED to love, those heartless pricks you WISH you could hate… Well, this is my life, my choice. And I CHOSE to cancel them out, tell them to fuck off and stop pretending to care; all they want me around for is so I can be able to live up to thier expectations of having a “happy and successful” life… Those are two things I have worked hard to find. I had both a successful and happy-ish life for a short burst, but regretablly lost it… And I have no interest in seeking it out again… Not while I’m like this… They say they care, but they don’t. My honesty has always cost me my freedom; I would rather suffer in silence (and even fade away), then open up and be “locked-up for my own safety”. I have been to as many as 20 psych-wards since the age of 12; you would think I would have either leveled out by now, or could have at least attempted suicide correctly; I have failed miserably at both aspects. It shows just how pathetic I am when I can’t even off myself correctly… 99% of the times I have OD’d, I always chickened out after swallowing the pills and called for help, resulting in being forced to drink charcoal (yummy, delicious; NOT). There were two times I OD’d and kept it to myself, hoping I would succeed those times; however, I always woke up… The only thing I felt for a few days was abdominal pain and discomfort, woopdy do… So, here I am, hopeless and losing faith in humanity… Basically I have only three choices:
- Force myself to stick around and live a miserable/painful existence to make my pseudo parents and psuedo friends happy.
- Chose to stick around for my kitty cat, because I love her and can’t imagine leaving her behind to be taken care of people I either hate or don’t know.
- Rid myself of my pathetic/shameful existence, and rid myself of all the fucking people I fucking hate… Including myself…
It’s a hard choice to make… But from now on, I will be sure to make choices because I want to, I will do what pleases me and stop worrying about pleasing people (who can all burn in Hell, as far as I’m concerned). That is my New Years resolution: live for me, do what I want/feel is right/must be done. And maybe, just maybe, if I stop caring so much about what other people think, I will find happiness; or at least feel better towards myself and decide to give life another chance. It’s a long shot, but I refuse to just roll over and die; I will find as many reasons as possible to remain alive, but I will remain alive because I WANT to, instead of being FORCED to. I will live for me, make me happy, and that’s how it will be from now on.
7 comments
EVERYONE is selfish. Someone more, someone less, but it’s part of our nature, can’t help it.
That is true; human beings can be selfish at times; I myself, am no saint. Thank you for helping me to remember this.
Your words made me tear up. This is exactly how I feel most days. I’m glad you have the strenth to atleast try and be happy for you. Hold on to that and don’t let go. Hopefully things will get better.
halfdead66 – Reading your post made ME feel better. Now, that is selfish, huh? Yes, I’m a lot selfish, but I’m a lot unselfish, too. I am definitely not fake. Most people are annoyingly fake. I despise plastic platitudes…. always have.
Your post provided a sense of calm to me. In many of your expressions, you seem like my son who ended his life at age 24 six years ago. Since age 14, he did not want to continue playing this game of life. He tried, tried, tried and had a few OK years. But he continually felt like he was going through the motions of others’ expectations…. pleasing others. My desperate attempts to help him were frustrating.
After his intake during one of many hospitalizations, I was extra worried because most of the workers seemed so disconnected and they certainly weren’t listening to him or me. My son looked at me and calmly said “you know mom that I’m smarter than anyone who works here.” Yep! I told him I agreed with him. But, what to do? He didn’t want to have goals. He thought it was pathetic that people always talked about striving to be “happy and successful”.
On his last day, I knew he was in a profoundly dark place. We spent the entire day together. My intuitive sense knew I was losing him. But I did not intervene. I let him go. I am still heartbroken, but I do not regret letting him go. My grief is tremendous. But I don’t have guilt. He has peace.
Thank you. I am definitely trying. I think the reasons why I become so hopeless is BECASUE I was trying to please everyone. I love helping others, to a fault. I sacrifice everything l can to help out those l care about, but rarely get that kind of love/devotion in return. I will have to start living for me more. I will not allow myself to become selfish, but l have to take better care of myself if I ever expect to get better. I still hold a small glimpse of hope, a flickering candle light at the end of this dark tunnel, that someday, maybe not tomarrow, next week, or even next year but eventually, I will overcome these inner demons. I hope, as well, that you will be able to find that same sense hope to push through your own darkness.
To: Stay Or Go:
I am deeply sorry your son could not find peace while alive. I can not even begin to imagine how much pain you are suffering. To let him go was a very tough decision, the hardest any parent could ever make; and I get the sense that you knew in your heart that he could not find peace on this earth, but had to find peace else where… I am very sorry for your lose. I hope that you, like him, one day will be able to also find peace.
Halfdead66 – Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, I am in deep sorrow and hope to find peace here in this existence. On my son’s last day, he told me “Mom, you’ll be fine.” He was nearly always right about everything, but I don’t yet ‘feel fine’. I don’t feel like living, but I’m not yet feeling ready to die.
Not many people decide at a young age, mid-20’s, to “remain alive because I WANT to, instead of being FORCED to”. Good for you! I do hope that you find the strength to do as you wrote – “live for me, make me happy, and that’s how it will be from now on. “