So I decided this time I was going to talk to my family about my being down the hill. I can’t remember why, it sounds selfish, but then no one may say I didn’t try it all…
My family is a mess. I grew up watching my mother crying in desperation almost every day because of her feeling lonely and impotent and not knowing how she was going to make it with so many kids (4). But we weren’t supposed to acknowledge knowing she was crying. I don’t remember what I though about it, but I remember it felt really bad. I remember that by then we used to pretend everything was normal. Then one day we all stopped pretending.
My parents lived toghether all my childhood and now they are toghether again, but all they do is fight all the time. My father doesn’t talk to anyone if he can avoid it he is disappointed of us.
I have three brothers. we are all adults. None of us is independent, none have a partner. None of us last long in any job. We can’t deal with people. My younger brother got a job a week ago and today he told us he can’t deal with it. It makes him fisically sick on the stomach and now he is depressed about it too. We don’t actually talk much. But at the end we all know what is happening.
My older brother started some course at the university a few days ago and he was telling me he knows it is going to be a torture for him because he can’t deal with his classmates. He gets desperate and can’t handle it. It’s difficult for him to know it and he’s been working on it, but nothing has helped yet.
My oldest brother try to kill himself several times when he was 15. Suicide has never left my thoughts since then. I was 12 maybe. But depression was there a long time before that.
I was talking to my second brother today. He told me how he thinks about killing himself every single day. he is unemployed right now. And he feels he has no future. He quited his job some months ago for the third time because stress made him make so many mistakes he wasn’t able to deal with them anymore. His boss shouted at him every day. He couldn’t continue working there, anxiety was bigger than him. He has been applying for jobs for a long time now, but haven’t even got called.
When he told me how he feels I wished there was something I could say to help. But he is not looking for help, he only mentioned it because I told him I was feeling bad. then he said he doesn’t talk about it, suicide, because if you are going to do it, you just do it. But that it is there, in his mind.
My mom prays all day long.
I don’t know how to feel. I think I have just been lazy this days. that I wasn’t really depressed. But there were moments I felt really bad. Or maybe I am just a grown spoiled kid, that grew up but that didn’t learned to handle her own feelings and weaknesses. Maybe I could have done better and now i ruined it for myself allowing me to feel down… I shouldn’t do it.