I don’t know

Uhhh, hey. Been a while since I posted here. I’ve been reading alot on SP though. I’ve decided to make a post now because I did say to Shepard I would try and be more active. Beware, if you’re reading this, it will likely be quite a lengthy post.

Well, as I type this, my family and I are currently driving towards Christchurch (city in New Zealand). Surprisingly, I’ve enjoyed the drive. It’s been good to get out and go somewhere this holidays, because so far, all I’ve done is work, play video games and hate myself. How exciting.

There’s actually something I really did want to come here and vent over. I really, really hate my Grandma. She’s such a senile old woman. The main thing I hate about her is that she is continuously trying to mould me into her definition of the perfect grandson. She gives me shit if I ever spend a day inside without working. She tells me that if I ever got a tattoo or got into drugs then I’m out of the will or some bullshit like that. She tries to make me talk to people despite how shitty and anxious I feel in social situations. At every family gathering we’ve had recently, she has made me stand up at some point in the night and make a mini speech. Sure I used to be alright at speeches, but I can’t do that shit. I can’t speak at all. And I wish she would just get that. But, I think the worst thing about her, is her back stabbing. She can’t help but talk shit about everyone, and I’m the one she tells it to. She tells me how snobby her neighbours are and what a ***** my Aunty is and IT DRIVES ME FUCKING MAAAAAAD! I can’t take her anymore. The only reason I haven’t told her to get fucked is because my Grandad is near death (been told he has 2 months left at the most) and I’m afraid that if I did it’d hurt him too much. Maybe when he’s gone I can tell my Grandma to get fucked. Sorry, for the rant, but god she drives me crazy. There’s probably alot more I could write but I always have trouble writing or verbalizing my thoughts.

There’s something else I would like to share because it’s bugging me. So, a few years ago, I took up rowing (you may know it as crew). I did 3 seasons and was reasonably successful. Over the 3 seasons I received 29 medals. Most were at South Island events, but I got 4 National titles in my time. My coach, who has coached various New Zealand crews, told me that I was good enough to row for New Zealand. But I decided to quit. There are alot of reasons for leaving. The people were, for the most part, lazy, rude and mean. And I just couldn’t take it anymore. But apparently I’m the only one who doesn’t want me to row. My coach came to my house the other day and asked me if I would like to come back and just finish the season (because there’s only 12 weeks left). Part of me wants to go back, but the other part is telling me to never go anywhere near it again. The reason it’s so hard to make a decision on, is because my Grandad really wants me to go back and just win one race at the National Secondary School’s regatta. And I don’t want to be selfish and not fulfill a dying mans wish, but I can’t take that shit again. I don’t know. I never know.

So that’s about it really. I hate myself and would like to end my life, I hate my Grandma and I really don’t want to row again but I feel like I have to. Oh well. Fuck it. I’m sorry that this was probably really muddled and confusing, but as I mentioned, I have alot of trouble writing and verbalizing my thoughts. Anyway, I hope you’re all having a good morning/evening/afternoon. I’ll try to comment more and maybe post more. Yea, see ya round I guess

P.S. feel free to email me if you like. It’d be nice to have someone or a few people to yarn to. I may take a wee while to reply though: cpstevens27@gmail.com