I know that what I’m feeling isn’t normal anymore. I look around and all I see are happy face in such an unfamiliar town. I desperately want to go home, but I don’t want to disappoint my parents just because I felt unhappy. I hear laughter,gossip, and everyone going out and having a great time. Everyone says college is suppose to be exciting, fun, full of endless friendships and adventure. So far all it’s been for me is crying, sadness, and an overwhelming feeling to be home.
I’ve caved into my depression when I’m here at school, I welcome it like the only friend I have. I have urges and thoughts of hurting myself like I use to. Not to mention I think about my own death a lot. I keep waiting and wanting that college experience but all I feel is rejection around me, Like no one understands me.
I’m torn between my education and my happiness.
4 comments
@onepeacefuldisaster: I’m late commenting on this post. Sorry about that, life happened, you know? Well anyway, I drank myself out of college for exactly the reasons you are speaking of. Is there anyway you can simply go home and commute to college? Living in a dorm isn’t for anyone by a long shot, and neither is a straight shot 4 year college experience. I could have written those words when I was 18 and going to a huge state university. I was miserable. I ended up finally finishing my degree years later, and it was the best thing I ever did. Don’t rush is, if you have people telling you that it is 4 years away from home or nothing they couldn’t be more wrong. I hope you are doing a little better today.
To know that someone can relate to what I’m feeling is a relief. It’s just that people keep telling me it takes time to feel like I belong, or to feel confident in such a strange place. But, I feel like it’s taking forever. I could go back home and transfer to the community college in my home town, but then my brain keeps telling me I’m a failure. I’m just torn I guess.
That doesn’t make you a failure. I know it feels that way, as I said I’ve stood in your shoes, I was the first one in my family to go to college and all eyes were on me. So I went down in a pile of ash and glory. They whole family piled in the car and came to retrieve me but I refused to go with them and just got in a car and moved to a city far far away. With a boyfriend they hated.
I’m not advocating you getting in a car with a dude your entire family hates and moving far far away, I am advocating doing what is going to be best for you and your mental stability. I graduated from college at age 28, as an older student I was far better than any of the younger students and graduated top of my class Magna Cum Laude, because I was ready for the experience. There are few that are ready for college when they step foot in a dorm. personally I think it is a waste of money throwing some poor kid that just graduated into four more years of expensive school when they don’t even know what career path they want to take. I blame it on the colleges that need to make money ahead of the mental well being of the college attendees.
Do what will make you stable and in the end happy. It may hurt to begin with but it is better by far than hanging yourself in your dorm room.
(isn’t for everyone, not anyone, typo)