Hello everyone, I’m new here.
I really don’t know where to start, there are so many things I wish I could tell people. I feel that this place can at least give me an opportunity to share these things with others, it may feel better. I do hope that this isn’t viewed as whiny or awkward, and I’m sorry if I upset anybody. Also I guess I should warn that may go into shallow detail about self harm…. ((frequency and desires)not sure if that’s something I should warn about at the top of the post or not)
So mostly I just sort of want to tell somebody that I hate myself. I hate everything I am and wish that I could be anybody else. I do constantly think of dying, however I doubt I am quite ready and able to accomplish that just yet. That statement was rather hard to type out, I have not ever shared that information with anybody before (not even with my cat). I also cut myself fairly often. Hurting myself has just been a thing that’s been in my life as long as I remember, cutting is sort of new (only have been at it on and off for like 6 or 7 years now…. so not quite half of my life yet) and it is odd, as it is sort of an on and off thing…. I’ve gone months before without a single cut, and then over night I start again and then go months with so many new cuts being made every night…. it really annoys me, it startles me too…. at least if it was a bit more consistent I would know when it is going to happen. The really concerning thing is that I’ve been enjoying life more than normal currently, and the cutting just started up again after almost 2 months of break. It confuses me, sometimes I really feel like I am crazy…. I always do feel like I’m in control when I start it too, yet I will tell myself that I don’t want to do it but I still do it. Is that bad? Like I don’t lose control of my actions, I just feel a very strong urge and I just simply get to a point where I can’t ignore it anymore and do it…. The concerning part is that it’s recently moved to my hands, and I really am getting the urge to let it move out onto my face. The urge to allow it to spill out onto my face has been there for a few years now, it’s constantly growing stronger…. I just really worry that eventually I will give in to it just like I did with all the other urges eventually, and once I start it will be so much easier to do it again and again…. I don’t want scars on my face, those can’t be hid. Even if the first time didn’t leave scars just opening that spot up to me would mean that eventually scars would come. That’s how it seems to work…. that’s how the bruises on my legs eventually became cuts, then eventually moved to my arms, and now my hands…. I also really worry about all the other things that would happen. Only 3 people other than me are even slightly aware of what I am doing to myself (all of them sort of figured it out on their own) and at least none of them reported it to anybody, I know that they are not aware of exactly what I’m doing as none have really had a decent look at my scars I worry that could change the entire thing of them reporting it. But I think that they have forgotten about it too ^_^ (which is good) as they never mentioned it again after their discovery. But no response I have received has ever been positive, they always got rather angry at me normally they would yell at me, one of them I am no longer friends with. It has always been unpleasant…. So I just worry that I may eventually give into this urge and then everyone will know, and everyone else will hate me then…. Also I fear that I will be hospitalized too…. I really do hope that just sharing this will help me not do this…. I have also lately been kicking around the thought of actually trying to seek help too, I really would love to at least try…. But I know that I won’t the thought of actually asking for help is horrifying to me, as then my family would find out (I live with my father currently, he would probably kick me out if he knew) and of course there is still that fear of being hospitalized too…. I don’t want to be locked up that will make everything worse 🙁
But I am curious, about the whole asking a person for help thing…. And I would like to just ask a few questions: (in-case any of you have any form of answer to provide (not like I can really ask anybody else -_- )) If I were to want to seek help, are the crisis counselors at colleges actually a person who can help, or are they just simply there to remove undesirable people from the school? Also are counselors in general worthwhile, and if so how expensive are they generally (without insurance)? Also what sort of things can be expected to occur if I were to approach one? Would I be hospitalized?
Thank you very much for your time. I’m very sorry that this was wordy.
11 comments
I dunno any of the answers you need, and im sorry for that. Resist the urge, Your face doesn’t need to be scarred.. Trust me, I’ve been self harmed before and it isnt good. Welcome to sp
Never tell them that you are going to kill youself, that you are planning to kill yourself, if possible dont tell any new counselor that you are currently cutting. Tell them you have self harmed or cut in the past but until it is someone you fully trust not to have you committed do not tell them you are currently cutting. They can be expensive without insurance. If you’re in college though i don’t know how that works with the school if they have one if theyll want you out that part i dont know. I do know if you are ever commited involuntarily it will most likly be for a minimum of 72 hours, if you want out right away after that have no drugs in your system in be convincing that it was simply someone over reacting you werent serious it was a joke whatever you have to say, if after 72 hours they decide to move you to a psychiatric rehab facility… You will be there until you can convince the doctors that you are stable enough to leave. Everytime that i have been it was 2 weeks. Some people it takes longer. I always said and did whatever i needed to do to get out of there. If i told them the truth they would have moved me from the rehab usually not used to keep people for more than a month, to a long term facility where people can spend 3-6 months. However i am pretty sure
They wont send people without insurance there.
Thank you very much for the advice twisted, I will keep that in mind. 72 hours is a very long time though, a lot of time to just simply be forced to lose…. And I do have insurance, I just really can’t use it since I’m still on my fathers insurance, I can’t allow him to know, which is my main fear of being forced into a hospital.
and also thanks for the welcome Monster ^_^
I have some knowledge about involuntary psychiatric commitment (in U.S) although it was about 15 years ago. I think the laws haven’t changed much.
When my son was 16, he was involuntarily committed to a hospital adolescent psychiatric unit by me. After about 24 hours, they asked him if he agreed to be there voluntarily, and if so, he would sign a form acknowledging such. This was unknown to me, his mom.
I became aware of the form he signed (changing his commitment from Involuntary to Voluntary) only when the hospital staff phoned me to tell me to pick up my son because he signed discharge papers.
I asked how this happened, as I thought he would be hospitalized for a minimum of 72 hours for evaluation and assessment. They explained to me the paperwork he signed for voluntary commitment, and then for discharge. I asked why they would even ask my 16 year-old son if he agreed to be there voluntarily. They explained that if the patient is VOLUNTARILY committed, it makes things easier at the 72-hour mark for the hospital because they then don’t have to get court approval to keep the patient longer than 72 hours.
My son was smarter than they thought he’d be. They said they’d never had any adolescent do this.
Because I expected them to do more evaluations and assessments, I refused to pick him up until they completed all the testing. I was then told that if my son didn’t leave the hospital, he would be given a trespass warning, subject to arrest if he didn’t leave the premises; and because they wouldn’t release a minor to the streets, that I must pick him up, and that I could be charged with child neglect for failure to pick up my son.
I’m sharing this so that you’ll know a loophole in the involuntary hospitalization process…. sign the voluntary commitment papers; then request discharge…. if you don’t want to stay hospitalized.
Definitely recommend a therapist if you can afford it, I’ve got one. I know some therapists will see you without telling your parents (I don’t know how old you are) but you can always ask the therapist about confidentiality before giving them any details regarding your situation. So long as they get their money somehow. Don’t know much about being hospitalized, over here you’ll more than likely be put in a cell until you cool off and then set free.
Thanks much for that piece of information StayOrGo ^_^ it is nice to hear that a loophole may exist in case everything goes horribly wrong…. Like I would probably still be kicked out by my father 🙁
and thanks very much Overture, I will try to find a Therapist and see how pricey they can be. I am certain I can go to any Therapist without telling my parents as I am 21, however since I’m still on my fathers insurance (can stay until like 24 or something like that) I don’t really want to use it, I’m not sure if he’s notified about where his insurance is used or not (I assume he is though) But I guess I could always ask the Therapist too they probably understand how it works a bit….
Thanks very much
No problem and good luck 🙂 Oh same age as me then
Whenever an insurance claim is filed of any kind your father receives either by mail or email an explanation of benefits explaining the service, date of service, and charges billed to insurance after copay. It would have the name of the service provider and also which insured person the service was for. Unless your father wouldnt read this kind of mail, he would definitely be notified if the doctor billed the insurance simply because of the EOB. So even though your doctor or a counsellor would be legally obligated not to tell your father why you were there, or could never give him any notes about your session or visit, he would be able to find out that you had been to a psychiatrist or counsellor. Of course you could always try checking the mail every day if you live at home and try to beat him to it. But Its still accessible online, however unless he chose to get paperless EOB’s and has them emailed, hed have to actually sign in to the insurance company’s website and look up all visits under his insurance plan to know that you had been anywhere if somehow he didnt ever receive the EOB in the mail to notify him of it.
Thanks Darklytwisted, I did sort of assume that he would get a thing…. I do live at home and he is currently not living at home (he hasn’t been for a few months now) so I could probably steel the mail…. I know he doesn’t get it emailed (he refuses to use computers completely) but I do know that he does call his insurance people like once per year for some reason, so I would imagine at that time he would probably find something out, not exactly sure why he calls them though…. I just sort of assume that if he found out that I was not only going to a psychiatrist/counselor but also stealing his mail he would be even more upset with me. But yes much thanks I will try to subtly pry and see why he calls them.
Do you know what time of the year he usually calls? A lot of employers change their insurance benefits annually and if he calls them around December or even november it could possibly just be because of that.. Oh and if he is never there and If he never checks his mail it could have easily gotten thrown out by mistake. 😉 Good luck on your quest.
ummmm yeah it is near the end of the year…. That may be why then. I’ll have to pry to confirm, is that a thing where they would mention his usage of it for the year?