Thoughts

So I put on Creep on and listened to it and reread what you said in your post. I’d like to give you nice platitudes this morning, say no, you aren’t a bad person, or that you have people that love you around you. But truthfully, that isn’t going to make much of an impact this morning is it? I’m sure you have heard all the platitudes the nice people in your life have given you and it is not doing any good. You are after all posing on a suicide support forum.

So what can I say? I could say it gets better, but that is just more platitudes. I will say it does get interesting. Walking forward and accepting who I am, the awful things I have done, my own limitations. This human flesh bag I reside in daily. It’s falling apart and there is little I can do about the slow march forward. So what can I say that might help this morning?

I can say I have stood in your shoes, well not specifically your shoes that would be weird, but metaphorically I have stood where you are, so critical of myself I fail to see any of the good I could have done on any level. Back in December I was 57 minutes away from purchasing a pistol. I was going to check into a hotel and blow my brains out. I felt like an utter failure in life. I couldn’t see anything good I could have done for anyone ever, including my own children. It didn’t matter, all that mattered was ending the pain I was in.

Then someone stepped in and talked me off the ledge, not completely but enough that I didn’t buy a gun. Then I thought about it over a few weeks. You know what? The things I have done? They are firing squad level kinds of things. I’m no Pol Pot of the Khmer Rouge after all. I’m just an average gal who has done some stupid things, cruel things and even some fairly decent things in this world. I didn’t plan and carry out the demise of millions of Cambodians. I just planned the demise of one Texan, namely myself.

So what is the point of what I am trying to say? I’m saying that my mind, and I am betting yours as well, hold a mirror up to itself. What I figured out in December, and what you may or may not know, is that my mind has too mirrors facing each other. If I see nothing but shit in my life that gets reflected back and forth and makes it so huge, so impossible, so terrible that I am one missed onion ring order from Sonic away from leaving this planet. Saying that sound really funny today, since I don’t have a gun in my hand, but truthfully it could be what sets me over the edge, because of those two mirrors in my mind facing each other.

I don’t know if you are new here, I haven’t had a chance to look at your profile, either way, stay here today and talk to the folks here. Put some good in that area where the mirrors are facing each other. Let something decent get reflected back and forth for a while. I promise you, you are not as bad as those mirrors are saying. All things considered, remember Pol Pot. There is a guy who should have killed himself.