trapped

i am trapped between suicide and survival. i want to die because i cannot live. but there are so many obstacles, and i am so tired… i don’t want to do anything substantial. i want to lay on the road and let someone else do all the work, but that would be incredibly selfish of me. (i know we’re not supposed to talk about methods, but that’s also a terrible method. don’t try it.) i want to fall asleep in the tub. sometimes i think about driving to the ocean and swimming until i can’t anymore, but i’m too afraid of the water. i feel so exhausted. but no one understands how or why i feel this way. everyone assumes i’m lazy or stupid or worthless or all of the above. and they’re not wrong. but it’s more than that. i feel so trapped right now. if someone doesn’t stop me, i am really going to kill myself some day.