I’m here because I don’t know what to do now…
The easiest way to put his is to say that I am lost, tired and hopeless. Suicide has been on my mind for months now and the more I try to push it away the more it grows stronger.
When the depression started a year ago, I made myself promise that I would never ever, ever hurt myself.I love my parents, my family, my friends and the random people I meet that are full of life, kindness and appreciation. I also told myself that I am a fortunate human being. I was born in a poor country but I did not starve, I went to school and I was surrounded with love.
In that way it’s hard to admit I have depression. Anyone looking from the outside would think it’s all roses and daisies. I guess that’s how it is for most of us though. We allow everyone to assume what they want. It would be cruel to disappoint them right? If they knew that life is truly shitty all around, they would lose all hope too.
Hm…I’ve never been a writer-type person. I always loose my train of thoughts like I am right now. But this is the only thing that answered my question about what to do now.
My sister actually referred me to this site. She survived depression. I say she survived but I’m not sure it truly ever goes away. She tells me she has those moments of weakness where the symptoms come back but her coping skills are very well developed so… she copes. I’m proud of her. She thought she was weak but she made it. Now it’s my turn, and I don’t see a way out.
Back to suicide, well I’m not sure what to do now. I’m not sure what else will keep me busy enough to not attempt anything stupid; to not get sucked in the thoughts of my depression; to not think about ways that would look like an accident so the people I know love and care for me would not feel hurt and betrayed. Now I must end this post since people won’t read it if its too long… maybe I’ll write another one or read everyone else’s.
Just help, I truly don’t know what to do now…