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What to do now…

by Desheures

I’m here because I don’t know what to do now…

The easiest way to put his is to say that I am lost, tired and hopeless. Suicide has been on my mind for months now and the more I try to push it away  the more it grows stronger.

When the depression started a year ago, I made myself promise that I would never ever, ever hurt myself.I love my parents, my family, my friends  and the random people I meet that are full of life, kindness and appreciation. I also told myself that I am a fortunate human being. I was born in a poor country but I did not starve, I went to school and I was surrounded with love.

In that way it’s hard to admit I have depression. Anyone looking from the outside would think it’s all roses and daisies. I guess that’s how it is for most of us though. We allow everyone to assume what they want. It would be cruel to disappoint them right? If they knew that life is truly shitty all around, they would lose all hope too.

Hm…I’ve never been a writer-type person. I always loose my train of thoughts like I am right now. But this is the only thing that answered my question about what to do now.

My sister actually referred me to this site. She survived depression. I say she survived but I’m not sure it truly ever goes away. She tells me she has those moments of weakness where the symptoms come back but her coping skills are very well developed so… she copes. I’m proud of her. She thought she was weak but she made it. Now it’s my turn, and I don’t see a way out.

Back to suicide, well I’m not sure what to do now. I’m not sure what else will keep me busy enough to not attempt anything stupid; to not get sucked in the thoughts of my depression; to not think about ways that would look like an accident so the people I know love and care for me would not feel hurt and betrayed. Now I must end this post since people won’t read it if its too long… maybe I’ll write another one or read everyone else’s.

Just help, I truly don’t know what to do now…

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8 comments

Morris 1/9/2016 - 2:13 am

The planet Earth is about the size of a grain of sand in comparison to the vast backdrop of the cosmos.
Our lives are no more significant than a fart, plus
our lives last as long and they’re that meaningful (in the grand scheme of things).

Don’t worry about a thing. You’ll be dead and forgotten even after you’ve lived a full, meaningful life.

Desheures 1/9/2016 - 2:21 am

You’re right. I have these thoughts all the time. In that way I wish I believed in God. Life would make sense to me, there would be a reason for all of this. But like you said, I am basically nothing and why does my life matter? It doesn’t. I should end it…

Morris 1/9/2016 - 2:32 am

Think happy thoughts. 🙂
Do something stupidly revolutionary like setting a goal for yourself, then work towards attaining your goal. That’s what well adjusted people do. 🙂

brokenandbent30 1/9/2016 - 4:12 am

I’m jealous of those who believe in Jesus and all that. If you believe in anything, it will become true for you. I just can’t. My granny talks about Jesus and I just nod along. She knows I don’t believe. What to do now? Wish I had a real answer. Working out has made me feel confident and hate myself less. That’s all I’ve got. Oh and rock concerts, it’s like church to me.

kbking6 1/9/2016 - 2:24 am

You are not alone my friend, I think about ending my life for weeks now. We all have to try and stay strong I know it’s hard , and I’m probably the worse person to give advise. But I hope it all works out for you and you find the way

Desheures 1/9/2016 - 2:45 am

i hope it works out for you. Thank you 🙂

rainyday 1/9/2016 - 2:30 am

I read your post from the beginning to the end. I do not have idea why you are so distress. I wish I could help you.

Die in an accident is and could be as painful for your family as will be is you commit suicide, I believe the emotional impact is almost the same, the pain that you will cause to them will be the same. The only difference will be the cause or the motif, or will let different opinions about you.

What to do? Well continue writing, that help with the lessen the pain that you are feeling. Do you have a doctor that could help you?

I do not know what to tell you, my days are not easier either.

For example if I know what is making you consider suicide, and I have the power, I will do all the things possible to change your reality, and make you consider life again. But I do not have that power, the only thing I can do for you is write here, and keep a little company for whatever is worthy or no.

If I find a person on the street crying because is hungry, and I have the resources, I will pull that person out the street and give them a roof and food.

If a person is crying and sad, and is been buying at school, well I will support that person, and stop the bullying, and give that person friends, and company, and will make that person feel well again.

And I can cite millions of more examples that show the way we could change the life of a person for better, but you can be sure that there are millions of examples showing how we can do totally the opposite.

Desheures, you have here a person that cares, for you and for all the others over here going through similar situations. But I am worthless, I cannot help anyone.

Desheures 1/9/2016 - 2:47 am

Thanks for the words. Why don’t you think you can help anyone? Why haven’t your days been easy?

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