I think I plan to go by May. The month I’m supposed to graduate. See, I was to kill myself January 9th (my birthday) I had the right method to make sure I don’t actually wake back up, but I didn’t have the right place. And I couldn’t do it at home because I don’t want my mom seeing my lifeless body. But in May, I’ll have a place.
I was supposed to graduate college this year but I had to dropout due to academic probation. My grades dropped really bad, to the point where I just ended up failing all my classes. I don’t understand what happened. I went from straight A’s to straight F’s. I want to go back to school and start over again, but who’s going to accept me with those kind of grades. I thought I wanted to be a nurse and help people, but I wish I could go back and be a Vet Tech and help animals instead. But I just don’t see it all happening. There’s no way I’m getting in. How do I even go on from here? I’m in debt. Student Loans, penalized for not having/being able to afford health insurance last year, and more loans. I’ve spoke about this topic before on here about being raped in my dorm in November 2014. I still have not gotten over it. I have dreams about it every other week. I wake up everyday with the thought of suicide on my mind. I just do not see things getting better from here. It’s impossible. The reason I chose May because as I said, It’s the month I’m supposed to graduate. By that time I would be able to get everything that I’ve wanted to do out the way.
I guess my problem is, I could never do anything right in life. I sucked at literally everything. So there is nothing out there for me. No skills. No talent. I have no reason to be here. I don’t have a purpose. I should not be here. I should be dead. It simply does not get better.
8 comments
That is awesome that you want to be a vet tech. I think if that’s truly what you want to do maybe you could find someplace to volunteer for awhile as a sort of therapy and be around people that understand that wish. You may find a kindred spirit with the advice and the experience and they may even try to help get you experiences. This would be a great way I would say to prove to a school that they should give you a chance. And if they don’t really it’s their loss. And as far as going through a traumatic experience like a rape don’t let that stop you from being you. Whatever hurt or anger that person had to do that to you… don’t let it change all the good things about who you are. They were a jack ass. Do not ever blame yourself for their behavior because what they did to you was not right and no one asks for that or deserves that. Someone did that to me but I refuse to think it was my fault or that I deserved it. I continue to do beautiful things that make people smile sometimes. So whatever his shit is.. it’s on him. It’s his issue not mine.
@deathandPysche
You are absoultely right. I sometimes have this urge to move on and think I can do these great things like become a Vet Tech. But the other thoughts often overcome the good and I’m back to just wanting to die.
I did blame myself for a very long time. But then I stopped, and told some of my closest friends what happened and…they didn’t believe me. They just said it was my fault because I didn’t fight hard enough, and that I have to be careful. I often think of what he did and I find myself wanting to live to get mentally better and go what I have a passion for and tell my story of what he did. But then I just think, nobody is going to believe me. He’s known to be a super nice person, always helping people, started his own youth organization, and will most likely be homecoming king next school year. Who would believe me? I just don’t even want to live knowing what kind of person he is and how people give him so much praise but he’s really evil and nobody sees that.
Sorry for the long comment I’m going to stop now.
I understand where your coming from. My b-day is in may and I am thinking about doing it shortly thereafter if things dont get better for me.
@phantomCitizen43
I hope things do get better for you by then. I am more than sure you deserve it. Have a safe journey,
Hmm….seems like we almost got the same story. I am going to graduate next year, but I don’t want to face that. Instead I plan on ending my life in April this year (birthday), so I don’t have to face graduating. I feel I’d be a great shame if I ended my life right before graduating (next year, in April), because my family wouldn’t be too happy.
I was a straight A student, though my grades have been crashing. I’m trying to maintain it, but..whats the point?
But lemme just say, you say you really wanted to become a vet, to help out animals. I think of ALL careers that exist in the world, the people out there who choose a career that helps people directly are the best kind of people. You’re special because you do have a passion. Maybe soon enough you can pursue it. I usually don’t believe in hope, but have to say, don’t quit now if your intention is to help others.
@GTsuicide_6
I know this may be corny to say as well, and I usually don’t believe in hope either, but I think you can do it too. You’re almost there. One year left. And you’re still maintaining your grades at least. I literally failed all my classes and got kicked out of school. For you to be in there, well that’s something. But I do understand where your concerns are.
And If I actually do decide to continue living, I think It might be worth a try to be a Vet tech. I just hope it’s the right field for me.
Whateverbell, you crossed my mind last month because I remember you said you wanted to take your life on your birthday. I was hoping things got better for you or at least stable. I’m sorry to hear that isn’t so.
I really think it’s beautiful that you would like to help animals. I feel if you really want to become a Vet Tech you can, even if it doesn’t feel that way now.
Have you been able to receive any counseling? I think it might help since you’ve dealt with such a traumatic experience. It may give you some clarity into your future as well.
Best wishes.
@hiohneh
It makes me feel really happy that you actually thought of me, because I sometimes go back and look at what you told me and you made me feel a bit better about what my friends said (I know you probably don’t remember.)
Unfortunately I have not been able to receive counseling, I just don’t know who to go to. And my health insurance doesn’t even cover it. I would go to a group counseling session but I’m way to scared to do that.
Best wishes to you as well Hiohneh 🙂