This group seems to be having two distinctly different roles for me. First and foremost, I feel I’m gaining depth and understanding of my issues. Far better than any other form of help I’ve sought.
Countering that, I’m gaining insight into the reality of suicide. For the first time I can say I’m sure I’ll be successful next time. Sorry for the false alarm last night. Too confident too quickly.
The cats out of the bag. The handful of people around me are aware I’m considering. Though I’m not revealing a plan. I’m giving it time though so don’t fret.
The hardest part for me is letting go of my empty desires. I always wanted to write and publish a novel, I did have a poem published so close enough. I always wanted to play guitar in a live band, but I have terrible stage fright, I’m not really good. Basically, there’s a handful of achievement and accomplishments I desire, yet I’ll never do anyways.
So, what’s the thing(s) holding you back?
4 comments
I wanted to write a novel too, and still haven’t, though somewhere in my messy piles of things I have a few attempts.
I did get some short stories published in a fanzine about 20 years ago.
I wanted to compose music, and I have at least done that. I am fortunate enough to have a very sweet symphony director, and over the years he’s let the group perform at least 6 or 7 things I’ve written.
Most of the things I’d love to do are things I simply can’t, because of the disability and mobility limitations. (And, of course, financial limitations).
As far as what’s “holding me back” from making an immediate exit, I think there are two main things:
1) I am a complete wuss about pain, and I deal with too much of it already.
2) Although I’m not necessarily an optimist, I guess I’m holding out a naive gullible hope that things might someday get better. I mean, I know they won’t get better health-wise; that’s just going to get worse. But I mean maybe I will be able to eventually achieve a sense of contentment and peace without having to die for it. Sounds like an impossible dream sometimes, but hey.
I’m glad you’re still here Cordless and you too Alan Ominous. There’s something so liberating in reading your posts and comments, to know that other people out there share in similar feelings and outlook on life, and so often put it into words so well. It’s like listening to the Smiths when you’re feeling down, it’s not to feel more down, but to have something there that speaks what you’re feeling, you feel less alone, validated/understood, that much more able to deal with and face what it is you’re up against.
I feel the same way; it’s nice to know I’m not the only one thinking this stuff.
Otherwise I’d feel like some sort of endangered species here by myself, completely misunderstood by everyone around me.
P.S. The Smiths!!! 😮
youtube.com/watch?v=TaUUYV7wKos
Hearing of lost dreams always makes me feel so…sad? What’s holding me back? From what? Killing myself, it’s that I made what was a plea at the time and what I took as a vow later. In addition, there are a few people I care deeply about that I can not stomach making feel sad.
From dreams? Hopes? Myself is so pithy, but it’s uselessly accurate.
Specifically, I hate seeing art lost. Literature or music, no matter what, I think the world needs more art.