I’ve not been the greatest lately, and I haven’t paid nearly enough attention to all you wonderful people on this site. I don’t recognize half of your names, makes me feel old. Nonetheless, this site is for the suicidal, and I guess I can be counted among their number. I want to die, hell, not a day goes by that I don’t want to stick a gun in my mouth and paint the walls around me red. Thing is, I can’t do that. There are people out there that would die if I committed suicide, and I can’t let that happen. I don’t give a damn what happens to me, but I won’t let somebody else get hurt because of what I do, nobody deserves to hurt because of me, let alone die. Now for any of you who’ve read my posts before, you’re probably thinking, “Where the hell is this guy’s shitty writing?” Don’t worry, it’ll be here soon enough.
The eyes that once possessed my heart and soul now look back at me with something akin to distaste. It seems that they are not angry at me, but they are disappointed at what I have done with myself since the time they looked back at me with favor. My heart beats slower in my chest and I wish, no I beg, that it would just freeze so I will never have to endure this pain again. The music that is seeping into my ear is eerily applicable to the situation I find myself in. It speaks of great heartbreak and loss of trust, of nights spent crying into the other side of a phone. My own expression is a mystery to me, but one guesses that it shows the pain that resides within me. Hopefully she can only see half the pain that my eyes are most likely screaming about, for my hair covers the other eye. I do not know if I wish to take back the things that I have done, all the mistakes and lies. They have brought me to this place of pain, and it is without any mercy or forgiveness, but what would I be without it? Is the answer something I want to know, or is it better left alone?
5 comments
If that’s what counts as shitty I haven’t got a prayer, do I?
Jokes on me! I don’t pray to anything :/
Don’t worry, neither do I. Gets hard to after going through what we’ve gone through.
Your pain makes you who you are. Without it you are not the amazing individual you are.
I wouldn’t trade one moment of pain I have lived through for all the fucking puppies in Texas. That sound weird doesn’t it? Maybe while I was going through the pain I would have, but looking back? Nah, I’ll take the pain, gobble it down and spit out a nice hard shield to use against all those people out there that walk thoughtlessly over people like the folks here at SP, people who reach out and get nothing in return.
OK…… Now I’m thinking about pumpkin pie and little cutesy puppy videos
Hazy I agree with you completely. All of the shitty things that have happened to me in my life are what turned me into the person I am. Sometimes I don’t like him when I look in the mirror, but the alternative is terrifying, and I don’t even want to think about it.