I was supposed to go out today. I broke down 10 minutes before we left due to the arguing downstairs which made the voices unbearable. I’m going out tomorrow morning now. I’m terrified. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to leave the house. I couldn’t leave my room until mid-afternoon today because there was a man in the hallway waiting for me.
My mum yelled at me because I’m hearing the voices and Angels. She yelled because I’m seeing things. And she still wonders why I don’t speak to her. She makes me feel awful for having this going on. I feel guilty every time, so I’m trying to hide it. I try to stay away when it gets too bad, and even then I’m still yelled at. Literally nothing I do is good enough for her.
She stated in a rather harsh manner about how far behind I’m getting in college and says how I’m making no effort to even attempt the work. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve told her I can’t concentrate on anything at this moment in time. I can’t focus on anything, I become too engulfed with the voices and figures. If I forget basic things like food and even moving around, I’m obviously going to forget about work.
She said today I need to ‘get over myself and get on with life’. She told me that while I was crying to her. I don’t know what to do anymore. My own mother won’t support me. I’m starting to lose my trust in her. I’m starting to not feel safe in my own house.
I want to call my therapist, I need to speak to someone. But I can’t. They only answer the phones during at week days, and my anxiety prevents me from speaking on the phone. I haven’t been sent an appointment yet, so I have no idea when I’ll next see them. I don’t know how I’ll manage until then.
Everything is getting so much worse, and I can’t cope with it all. I told them I’d talk to a family member if I feel like I can’t keep myself safe. Well, that’s completely out of the question considering how they’ve been reacting. And the thing is, I don’t feel like I can keep myself safe. The voices are telling me to hurt myself again, and I have done already. They want me to do it again. And there’s no doubt in my mind I will. But they also want me to kill myself. They’re clear in telling me how and with which. And I’m not sure how much longer I can put up with their insistent screaming.
12 comments
can you get yourself to an emergency room Jcrispies?
My stepdad is downstairs, so I can’t get out of the house without being seen. I couldn’t tell my mum, she wouldn’t take me seriously and would make me go back to bed. Besides, I wouldn’t even know what to say to her.
Call 911 if you need to. Your parents can do nothing if you call the police, the officers will want to talk to you and they will take you seriously if you tell them you need help.
My anxiety prevents me from making phone calls. I literally can’t phone my own family.
I’m going to see how I cope through the night (it’s 2:30 right now anyway), and if I’m still in a mindset where I feel like I can’t keep myself safe then I’ll try and speak to my mum in the morning.
The only trouble will be trying to figure out what exactly to say to her.
Ok. I’m wishing the best for you. Maybe tell her, “I’m not coping so well right now so I want to visit a hospital.” Tell her it’s not her fault (even if it partly is), so that maybe she’ll be sympathetic.
I’ll try saying that. I’m not sure if she’ll actually take me considering she always says how she ‘doesn’t want them to lock me up’ or she doesn’t want me to end up like my relative (she’s schizophrenic, and often checks herself into a hospital).
My mum isn’t the most informed or supportive of mental health issues, obviously.
Is there anyone who could call for you
No. The only person who calls anywhere for me is my mum.
Hey my parents were scared shitless when they discovered I had tried to kill myself. I had to go to a hospital on my own and it wasn’t until then that they accepted I was actually ill. Just don’t expect them to have all the answers but there’s people who can help. Good luck, what ever your decision.
My family know of a few of my attempts, and they still refuse to do anything to help me. My mum just keeps me in therapy hoping one day I’ll ‘be cured’. My mum won’t accept anyone is ill unless they have actually been diagnosed. Which is probably why is took her so long to accept I’m depressed. Now I have all these other things going on, she ignores them.
Are you an adult? Then you shouldn’t need permission to go out… You should probably try and get to the emergency room anyway, just tell its for your own safety. Whether they listen or not, just go…
I’m 17. My mum can be overwhelmingly protective when it comes to what times I’m allowed out until (not that I leave the house anyway, she just tells me anyway).
I have walked to the hospital once before last year at around 3 in the morning while everyone was asleep, but I ended up coming home after thinking of what their reactions would be to getting a phone call saying I’m in the hospital.
The main problem I have with going (besides my family), is how I would tell them what’s wrong. I’m awful at any sort of communication and I can never find the words for what I need to say.