I haven’t been on here in a very long time, I don’t even recognize any of the users now. I stopped posting because I didn’t think it was really helping me, but I’m really needing a place to share how I’m feeling again.
I thought things were getting better for a while, I had a counselor and I was on antidepressants for a while. The antidepressants were helping but then we found out that I’m severely allergic to most medications. The only medication I wasn’t allergic made me incredibly sick all the time and made me feel worse. My counselor was very nice, but all she ever did was have me tell her why I was upset and then say “Yeah, you have reason to be upset.” And it really did was make my problems weigh on my mind worse.
I’m making this post now because I’ve just a huge setback in my life. A while ago I dropped out of college because I was too busy trying to kill myself and I didn’t care enough to go after coming out of an abusive relationship. Since I dropped I owed the school the money I had gotten for the semester which was over $4,000. I’ve been incredibly stressed about paying it off since I can’t go back to school until I have it paid off. I don’t have a very good paying job and I can’t really afford to pay a lot on it. It makes me feel like a failure since I can’t go to college like everyone my age is doing, my family has been poor my whole life and I don’t want to be like that forever. At this point it wil take me several years to pay it off. Today I found out that I now have to pay off all the rest of my student loans too. I’ll probably never be able to pay all this off and go back to school so I don’t know how I’m ever going to move out of my dad’s house or how I’ll ever get a decent paying job.
It seems like every time I try to build something it gets torn down again which sucks because I don’t have a lot of motivation to move forward in life to begin with. Does anyone else ever feel like they weren’t mean to be alive? I feel like most people just want things to get better but all I want is for things to be over. There’s nothing in this world I want to do, I don’t want to have a job, I don’t want to wake up in the morning, I don’t want to be anyone’s sister, daughter, or friend, I just want to be dead and I’m working so hard to not feel that way but everything in my life is such a disaster. It’s been almost a year since I’ve cut myself ever since I did it really bad and left horrible scars on my arm that I will have to cover for the rest of my life but I’m thinking about doing it again.
I know no one ever really reads the super long posts on here, but I don’t really care I just needed to put down how I was feeling. My 20th birthday is in 5 days and it makes me so sick to think I’ve never felt good, never built anything, never enjoyed anything in 20 years and honestly the worst I can imagine right now would be living long enough to see that birthday.
12 comments
I actually did read your super long post. It’s a tough time paying for college in general. And they say student loans are forever. Please try not to beat yourself up for it. Even though I don’t know you I’m proud of you. I just cut myself recently and i honestly regret it. I have to walk around in a hoodie until it heals. It wasn’t terribly deep but still.
It’s just difficult because if I can’t go back and finish college then I will never be able to have any kind of a decent job and I’ll be broke and constantly stressed for money the rest of my life. I’m afraid to look like a failure if I don’t go to school. To be honest it just seems to me like dying would be an easier way to get away from it rather than living with it forever, it’s not like was living for anything before. It just adds to a huge list of reasons of why I shouldn’t keep living. I know how that is though, every time I have cut myself I regret it, like I said I gave myself horrible scars and cut so deep I got horribly sick for days and couldn’t get out of bed from blood loss. I hate the scars from it so much.
Thank you for taking the time to read though.
Maybe find a trade school or do online classes for a skill youre interested in. There are plenty of good jobs and skills that dont require the scam that is college.
Online classes and trade schools require money too though don’t they? Probably enough that you’d need student loans or financial aid and I can’t get financial aid since I owe students loans.
Okay, I am honestly aware that I am not able to say much per your situation. I can say, that after all the hardship in my life and through my UNI years *god save the queen for that one* while I didn’t or couldn’t better myself doesn’t mean that you cannot. For we are both that same, are we not, both intelligent???? I beg you to answer that honestly.
And while I am NOT you, I understand you. When I say, I understand you, I mean that I have been there. forever was I the eternal student as my parents put it. I did in fact, serve a foundation for their love. I was that thing they loved and hated at the same time. I lost my insanity after getting my Masters and moving into Ph. D. that no one wanted by them. I am sad to say that after all this time of letting them rule my life I have nothing to show for it but a couple of papers and a title that was all too soon forgotten.
lets face it you need to do what is right for you and only you….and believe me that is easier said than done but trust me when i say, it’s the only wa.
I don’t really want to go school for my parents, my parents define ‘okay’ for their children as alive. My sister is a meth addict, my other sister got pregnant when she was 16, and my brother is in and out of jail and my parents don’t care as long as they’re not dead. If I did what was best for me and what I wanted, for me, I would have been dead a long time ago. That’s the only thing I’m doing for anyone else, is staying alive. I just figure if I I’m stuck being alive I might as well go to school so I won’t be broke forever, but I’ve messed that up too. I know I’ll never have to money to pay back what I owe. I already want to die, but there’s nothing to add motivation to that like knowing that you’ll be stuck in a minimum wage dead-end job forever.
I know the feeling about student loans. I’m in the same boat. Graduated but can’t get a good job. My loan payments use up almost my entire income every month. Not much of a life, but it’s possible to make the payments. I hope you can find a better job than you think. Maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones. I really hope it gets better for you. I’m here to vent to if you need.
I did read it all. Have plenty of student loans under my belt as well, and as it stands i’m just getting more (studying a 2nd career by now). That said, many people is in a similar situation to yours, not that it makes it easier, but what i’m trying to get at is that… it’s not such a rare thing to being stuck in studies at your age, regardless of the reasons. There’s also the possibility that if things were better, you’d actually find some motivation in your life, because having one bad thing happen after another is a huge demotivator (imho).
As it stands, you’re barely going to be 20, and you can still turn things around, even if it seems impossible. A year ago i had nothing to live for (i’m over 30 btw), i had a plan to take my life (and the means), and no visible end to it. A year later… yup, life hasn’t gotten much better, but it’s a tiny tad better, and that’s saying a lot considering i was one zip away from certain death. Again, you can still turn things around, and the solution might appear (or you might find it) eventually, maybe it won’t, but you’ll never know if you just end things. I really do hope things workout for you.
Dealing with staggering college debt? Yup. This is my issue atm.
As it stands, I was forced to go back to a university I loathe, and made to take out another $3500 loan, which I’ll have to pay myself. Add on to that the thousand bucks I will have to pay back to my mother due to a pormisary note, and that fact that when I am on my own for sure the rest of my loans will come crashing down on me, and yeah. I can relate to this….
I have a part time job at a restaurant, and I guess I could get payed just a little more, but it seems that the money I make will wind up going everywhere except my own pocket..
It’s rough man.
hey I read the entire thing. I can say I was standing in your shoes when I was 19. I drank and crazied myself out of college, I had a full ride too, paid for almost 100%, and I flunked out. Lasted exactly three semesters. The only thing I ever wanted for myself was a college degree. I grew up dirt poor and saw it as the only way out. I was too mentally ill to make it though. I spent years taking a semester here and there. Because I flunked out I lost my scholarship. So I was on my own, crazy as hell, depressed, manic, drinking all the time. It only after my daughter was born that I found the strength to go back to college, and I will tell you it cost me 35,000 in student loans to do it. I will say that you only have to pay the interest on some of the loans if you forbare them. some loans you don’t have to pay anything if you forbear or are granted a financial hardship. There are programs where if you work in certain industries your loans will be forgiven. look into that.
As for being poor your whole life, you don’t have to be what your family is. I will attest to that. Bunch of abusive crazy some dirt poor, some not, most 100% not worth the dirt to bury them with. That said, keep walking forward. I just kept walking forward. find something you can do and keep growing it. I started with data entry, kept teaching myself new things until I have a decent career now. I managed to get my student loans paid off, it wasn’t easy and I felt like I had a ten pound brick on my chest just about every day. I felt a lot like you do. But I kept walking forward. walking walking. It is never too late to get your college degree. It is categorically wrong to think you have to get it in 4 years or 5 years. I was 28 when I graduated. Four trips to the university, three different universities in three different states. I just kept moving. Even when things seemed bleak, I just kept moving.
I hope this helped a little. Welcome back, the folks here, there names may have changed, but the heart is still there.
i wish i were you, so young, full of promise.
switch lives with me please?