Here’s the thing: I’m fine now.
I mean, I have been so depressed, so desperate… and now it’s all over.
My mind is not sinking in anxiety like it always was. I’m calmed. I can laugh, talk to friends, do things. I’m ok. Everything is back to normal.
Except that it doesn’t feel normal. Everything feels unreal. I’m looking for a job, trying to go back to university, but I don’t want to do any of those things. But I don’t want to not do them neither.
I don’t want to stay home, I don’t want to go away. It’s not that I don’t know what I want or that I don’t care: I just don’t want anything.
I’m 25, so I’m expected to live a lot of years. I don’t want to. I don’t know what to do with all that lifetime. I have no goals.
So, even if I don’t feel depressed anymore, I still want to kill myself. And now it’s different, it’s stronger. Not a desesperate solution. Just… I don’t know, I just may do it, who cares.
4 comments
I’m 26 I feel the same way but I’m depressed I haven’t got no goals etc I get time when I feel normal and when I do I feel so lost I don’t even no where to start life hard man
Yes… sorry to read.
Any room left in the boat for me? If so i’d like to jump on in because I can whole-heartedly relate. And sometimes the last thing you want to hear is that you’re relatable at a time like this i know. To me it feels like a deep-rooted nothingness. That doesn’t logically make any sense but its the best way i can put it.
And my relationship with my suicidal thoughts has evolved over time too, i’m no longer scared of them and they no longer feel like a reactionary response. They’re more akin to a spring water lake in the middle of the sahara desert. They often calm me down and put me to sleep, strangely relaxing.
Yes, it’s exactly that.
I just feel like… I dont know, why the hell am I in this weird world and what am I suposed to do here? Just breathe?