A few days i bought a whole lot of supplies for my exit & wrote on here that I would soon be leaving. For anyone following that post I am still here (obviously).
I decided to go and visit my mother for the night before I committed suicide. I was still convinced that now was the right time but during the night this really weird thing happened…..
I woke up during the night as i thought i heard my mum out in the hallway. I tried to sit up in bed and call out to my mum to ensure she was alright (she was just going to the loo so was fine). But the weird thing was that I couldn’t move my body or open my mouth to talk despite my brain sending signals to do so. It was like i was paralysed. It was actually really scary. It felt like this went on for a ages, altgough in reality it was probably only about 30seconds. Its the strangest feeling I have ever experienced.
Anyway, I feel like this was perhaps some kind of sign. Maybe warning me what it would feel like if I failed my attempt & turned into a vegetable? Or what it would feel like for my mum not to be able to talk to me again? I dont know…but it planted a seed of doubt in my mind…I still hate being me. Still wish I wasnt here & think that the world is a pretty crap & depressing place. Still gonna store my supplies away for perhaps a later date. But not now.
Thanks for everyone s support. It wasn’t a cry for attention (dont much like attention) i really thought i was ready. But maybe not quite yet.
Thanks everyone. I enjoy reading all your stories and being able to relate to what some of you are going through.
8 comments
Nice to see that you’re still around. 😀
I support shatterediris, I am also glad to see this post. And glad you did visited your mother. 🙂
Glad you’re ok. Lurked tonight to see if you might be alright. I probably won’t post here any more, but I was concerned. Very glad you’re not a vegetable. I hear they’re good for you but it probably wouldn’t be good to actually be one, not any better than being alive I guess. I saw a story about a boy who was comatose and after years came too he said he was aware of everything but couldn’t do anything to tell anyone. Wouldn’t that be awful? To still have this horrible brain of mine with all this pain and all these thoughts but be stuck in a body where I was made to be alive and couldn’t do anything to fix that? Come to think of it, I should probably see about getting a living will made up so that doesn’t happen. Pull the plug on me, but sometimes even when they pull the plug you stay alive, so I guess there’s never any guarantee. Glad you’re ok. Hope you find peace and love and happiness. Be well.
I’m very glad you’ll be with us for a while longer. Keep us posted and take care 🙂
Yesterday, I wondered about you.
Today, it’s good to read you’re still here.
I agree that your experience was “some kind of sign”. I think it’s fascinating to analyze the events that occur in our lives which seem very intuitive.
I’m happy you are still around. Life never gives us what we want does it? Only what we need.
Relieved that you are here.
That’s the thing about suicide,
Deep deep down, no one is really sure if they’re ready or not, no matter how much we really are.