This Won’t Make One Bit of Sense… I’m writing things as they pop into my head

1. I’ve been asking my parents to take me to a psychologist for the past four years. Today they told me I have an appointment next week, I was happy at first, then they told me the day of my appointment and I got scared.
2. I have too many things on my plate…
3. I used to enjoy going to my Forensics practices, it was a time where I got to swear, scream, cry and just be who I am inside without anyone knowing. Now, I have to be patient, not be so dramatic. For FUCKS sake, how am I not supposed to be dramatic? Seriously, my category is Drama! I am the only student in the team that has been in drama for 5 years, and it’s always been my way, the fun way, the way I get to be me, but no… now they want to change that.
4. The Principal in our high school is the gatekeeper of hell, she takes the little bits of happiness I have left and she replaces it with misery and bitterness. She acts all high class and shit, but she is lower than low, she has no class. She’s a racist and a sexist.
5. I used to be an honor student, I’d say I don’t know what happened, but I do… High School happened. This year was supposed to be the year I shined and made my name known, but seems like life doesn’t want me to succeed in anything.
6. My grades have all drastically dropped, I have D’s in 5 of my classes and I take 8. I don’t seem to understand chemistry, and pre-calculus is not meant for me. I can’t get the material to stay in my brain. It’s like I have a knowledge repellent of some sorts. I can learn a song in less than minutes but when it comes to the important things, like school stuff, I just can’t.
7. Let’s talk about relations…
   1. I have a relationship repellant.
   2. My best friend (girl) told me she had a crush on me, and I told her how I felt… I forgot to tell her the most important detail, and that was, that I couldn’t live without her. She stole my heart and she filled it with joy. It’s been a few months since that happened and now she’s with one of my closest guy friends and they seem happy, so I’m happy.
   3. My other best friend (guy) he is a player. He doesn’t accept it, but he is. He toyed with my feelings, but that didn’t affect me. What does affect me, constantly, is the fact he acts as if he were my boyfriend and he cockblocks every single person that tries to get to know me better. He is this gorgeous hunk who has this amazing everything. I can’t explain how perfect he is. We joke every once in a while about ending up together, funny thing is, I hoped it wasn’t a joke. He doesn’t know this, but when I talk about him with my sister we call him numbnuts.
   4. My sister’s boyfriend’s brother, we’ve known each other for 6 years now, I have seen his transformation… it was a blessing. He is confused about his sexuality, just like both of my best friends. He actually got to know numbnuts, they hung out and texted each other and I hated that. It was horrible. My middle school crush was talking to my high school crush, GREAT! The funny thing about that, they always had to have me in their conversations and they went out I had to be with them, and no I couldn’t bring anyone else with me, I had to be the third wheel. I HATE BEING THE THIRDWHEEL!!!! It’s the worst feeling ever and when it’s with a past crush and a now crush, it’s way worse.
   5. I gotta tell you (anyone who reads this), I have liked many people. I just tend to like people for their personalities and for their knowledge.
   6. People call me cradle robber for having a friendship with two 9th graders.They’re sweet, funny, charming and annoying,  I hang out with them because I get bored and lonely and they keep me company in a non-sexual way. We talk and laugh most of the time we’re together. But people don’t see it that way. They think it’s a weird relationship I have with them. Just because a person speaks to someone doesn’t mean they are together.
   7. The last two hook-ups I’ve had have been fun, but I noticed with them, that I’m the girl who gets played with before the person gets serious with someone else.
   8. I believe that forced relationships should take a life long break, cause if the feeling isn’t there, then why stay with the person?
   9. I wish my love life could be like one of those you see in a John Hughes movies.
8. I wish I could disappear into thin air and not be recognized as a compound.
9. Everyone in school talks shit about me and then they act like were friends.That KIND OF PEOPLE SICKEN ME.
10. WHY DO YOU WASTE YOUR BREATH TALKING SHIT ABOUT PEOPLE? DO YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF? DOES SOMEONE GIVE YOU A MEDAL FOR BELITTLING SOMEONE AND MAKING THEM FEEL LIKE THEY COULD DIE AND NO ONE WOULD NOTICE?
11. My eyes feel heavy, my head feels empty, my body feels used, my voice is unheard, my actions are unseen…nothing I do, nothing I say, nothing that ever comes from me is acknowledged. I am nothing, and I live in a world of nothingness.
12. School is the problem in my life.
13. I feel drained.
14. I’ve thought of moving in with my aunt so I can escape the nothingness from this place, but then I realize…. what would I do without the people that have grown close to me, the people that seem to care when something minor happens to me, what would I do in a new place?

I want to keep writing, but I can’t so here I will leave this.