So i’ve been living throughout this suicide phase for so long, ever since elementary school. I’m less suicidal though, I’ve learned to have self-determination and to live by my own standards and goals. I’m very active now and try to do positive things that helps me ignore the negativity in my life. This thing so called “family” is a word I erased from my dictionary. Family was never there for me. (sorry and excuse me when I jump all over, my thought process is really fucked up so ill cut it into chunks that cut my thoughts)
My story goes like this, typical asian scenario where a child is highly expected of everything and is pushed to their limits of stress. I’ll start it off with elementary school. I was a wayy more active child in elementary than I am now. I was getting 5’s on my grades, which are like a perfect because it was a grading scale from 0(worst) to 5(the best), always got 5’s. I loved doing sports, I always tried to play soccer, kickball, football, anything being active. I was a pretty neutral/”cool” kid in the cliques at my school. Everyone knew me and was chill, thats to say at least. I always had this personality of being nice to everyone and thats how I lived through school. But anyways, my grades fluctuated, my teacher noticed and started questioning about whats going on with me because I was one of their favorites and they always loved venting to me. I was a pretty smart kid, *cough* “because your asian”, lmao yeah yeah whatever. But so she was one of my private councilors and I always vented to her and she just listened. She only responded only when I asked, that was what i loved about her.I loved how she taught me things from middle school and high school because thats literally how smart I was but I always acted dumb. I also have the mindset of “a Pisces” because I overthink things when i think, like just think of both sides of situations and stuff type of overthinking. I explained and complained to her everyday that I was always bullied outside of school and at home. The only thing she could tell me was “self determination”, that was the key thing to help me leave and she was also the key that helped me live. It felt nice to have someone just listen and just to put away your negativity somewhere. Elementary school was my biggest suicidal phase and the start of it. Whenever I would be out of my elementary school, these middle schoolers did what bullies do best, torture and kill away your life. They beat me up, actually tortured me, did their worst. No one ever knew I was bullied and always thought “oh, hes perfectly fine”. I always came home with bruises, internal fuck ups, my body was at worst condition on the inside and i could definitely feel it on the inside and never was seen on the outside because i always tried to hide it. At home, all I had was my computer, it was my family. I came home and played games and talked to people there. The main thing I did was play this game called “Mabinogi”, its shit now(2016), but I played it ever since Closed Beta. I remember I always made campfires and just chatted with everyone, it was a big family community back in Closed Beta. I’ve played Mabinogi for around 7-8 years. I gave up this year(2016) because of all the change and how stupidly easy and microtransactive the game is now.
But yeah anyways, at home, my brother and sister(irish twins) always bullied and picked on me. They were even physically abusive towards me. They isolated me out of everything they did. They even made me ask everytime to play “one of their games”. Literally like lets say habbo, i’d literally have to go to them and ask them and then they would either say no or yes, and if they saw me play without asking them they would either beat me up(mostly did this) or kick me off(rarely). I had a cycle of “fuck my life” literally every day and the worst part was their jealousy. I’m the youngest in my family and so when my parents saw them bullying me, all they did was buy me more things/spoil me to “forget” about my shitty worthless life. It was a Domino effect because I got bullied by siblings, get spoiled, they get even more jealous for getting stuff, and bullied me some more. The cycle of my life was pain every second. I became more introvert because of that life. I gained many bad habits from that lifestyle. I tend to have moodswings where I might slip my anger out because of whatever im thinking about.
Back to the story, There was these incidents where I was raped, I had been raped a few times in Elementary and to this year(2016), I dont know how im still partially healthy and didnt have any disease from them. These rapes literally changed my perspective of “family”, along with the bullying. I tried consulting to my siblings even if they bullied me, thought I could see some light shed, but they never listened and isolated me. My parents didnt know shit because they were asian parents and it would be a big cluster fuck telling them. My father was abusive and my mom was sort of introverted too. She was always controlled by my dad in a way because she was more asian, she didnt really know english well, where as my dad had the best of both knowing english and our language that well.
[He was an abusive drunk that eventually married another ***** while my mom and dad were together and he would even call her up on the big tv while my siblings and I were there. They didnt think twice about the shit, but even in Elementary, I was smart, I knew what was up and I told my mom about it, she got upset and saw that he was cheating on her. He eventually got married to the ***** and my mom moved away from him. I moved with my sister to my mom’s and my brother stayed with my dad. My brother endured hell with slave labor from my dad, my sister was just a mentally fucked up mess, she had the worst case of schizophrenia and couldnt control herself really. She became really emo/emotional and was into those typical screamos and rock hard stuff.]
But like back to trying to consult to family, thats when I learned “what is family”, I set this goal in 5th grade that I’d love to have my own family and set it in a right direction. But I was raped 1st-4th grade by males(<—this will come handy to know later). Friends online and at school were my “family” technically. because my life at home was shit and still is shit now.
Further into the story of my life, around 5th-6th grade transition, I had to move and I lost all the strongest connections I made, my friends from elementary, I had to adapt to this new middle school and to the new home and everything. New life away from abusive dad but I dont know why but I became hella more suicidal and depressed from that. I got the habit of stuffing myself with food for comfort, I was really chubby at that time. I learned that its not right for myself, it was ok but I decided that I needed to be more self confident with myself. Dealt with bullying through middleschool, and while in middleschool, I learned some things for positivity. I loved music and singing, I indulged myself into it because those uplifting songs really hit me. Its something to help me through life and learn to live yourself as yourself.
My music teacher always had me as one of his favorites because he noticed how I sung with passion, fun, or just a big interest. He noticed I was a troubled child and fully helped focus on me whenever I needed help on my singing. He always pushed me for show choir but I never really started that til 9th grade. I love singing and music, but I just desperately hate singing infront/near people. In choir class it was fine because I knew other people had interest in singing. Fyi: I sang as a Tenor that could sing soprano at the time because it was before my puberty lmfao. Still sing as a Tenor now. But what was important was that music was one of my positivities and it was something for coping and for my “self determination”.
But in Middle school, my grades drastically dropped, I just gave up on life and mostly staggered around a 2.0 and under GPA, and indulged in food and games to cope through life. My 5 siblings spat their hatred at me because I was the youngest, “spoiled”, and just because I was the easiest target. They always forced me to try to do better in school, yadda, and always tried to put their moral standards and shit into my body/mind. In my head i told them to fuck off but I always had to do it because i was too young physically but I was already matured in my mindset by the time I hit middleschool. Family always shot me down on my life goals, always never supported me, I could never consult to them, it was still a shit hole for me. I was still bullied in middleschool, but not as drastic as it was in elementary. I was more of a quiet kid in middle school, even though I was known, I always tried to just introvert myself away from everyone because of how shitty I felt. So 8th grade hit, and I felt really active, I tried lots of new things and I tried tennis. Tennis was another positivity I found in life and always wanted to play it to stay away from the house. My goal was to be as far from this wretched(terrible) so called thing called “family”. I only had my online friends to cheer me up or whatever activity im doing.
Shift to High school, 9th grade year was my most active year so far in highschool. Im a 11th grader now. Im a pretty average weighted kid, more on the skinnier side because of bad habits from earlier life. I decided to try out show choir, 9th grade year. It really affected life greatly. It represented to me my strongest passion because I could be active by dancing, I could sing my heart out and I could enjoy music all at the same time. It kept me out of the house alot, I also tried Cross-Country which was running, so I’d go to cross country after school and then go to show choir. I then did Tennis and show choir in the spring. This was something I enjoyed alot because I could avoid my family and it was my excuse to ignore my family. This helped with my self confidence and to break out of the introvert or isolation shell. Made many friends and had a family I connected to in show choir. I never told anyone about my MOST of my life though, only little bits because they dont need to deal with my problems and shit you know. But as the year progresses, my siblings always talked me down and always brought back bad memories, triggers, everything negative. This affected my learning, intelligence, confidence, everything positive in life. Thats why I always active you fuckers. They always told me when I was in middle school, to go out and be active for once because I introverted myself into games and the internet. Then, when I was soo active in 9th grade, they told me to stop being so active, which really contradicts what they fucking said. They still do this bullshit hypocriticalism and contradictions now.
[oh yeah, my GPA went up to 4.0+ in 9th grade because I was away from family so much, whenever im near family my grade dramtically, haha i wonder why. obviously because of those dipshits.]
10th grade was a breeze, totally just meh it was a weird phase, it was an okay year, family didnt bother as much. Oh yeah I also wanted my permit by the time I was 14, but my mom made me wait til 15 and she regretted it because she always had to drive me everywhere when I told her im going to be active. Her personality became more aggressive and crude over the years too fyi. She went from introvert to someone I dont even know anymore.
11th grade currently(2016), Didnt get to do show choir this year and they were suppost to go to nationals this year too. Which pissed me off. My mom kept saying we’re going to move in 10th grade so I wouldnt be able to join the varsity this year. The varsity is phenomenal and the teacher is the best teacher i’ve ever had. He has passion, fun, and the right type of teaching skill to be the varsity teacher. So I missed out on show choir this year but I’ll go for it for my last year of highschool. Now, I still deal with family bullshit, but they’ve kind off trying to talk to me less because of how ignorant i am to their messages and stuff now. I also been trying to just “black sheep” myself away from them. And I have to deal with my mom’s bullshit new personality now. She always shit talks in our language to my siblings or other family members and I can still clearly hear her over my music or games which are around 90% volume trying to ignore her shit talking out there. She always shit talks me but never tells me upfront in my face. So then when I make a mistake, she always goes apeshit and just proceeds to downtalk me and make me go suicidal.
Overall
This whole thing was just something for me to rant to anyone that just wanted to read about someones life and some things that they needed to leave off their shoulder because they could never tell someone in person really. I’ve always wanted to move away from my family ever since elementary, I always just wanted to live a new life and suppress this stupid life. My life is shit in general, but there are things that shed light to my life and that having my own self determination is what really helped me out of my depression. The thing about the Male thing before is that, you might think of oh a female being raped and yeah thats more common but I myself am a male. My life will always be scarred with rape and quoting “family”. Family was never there for me and always made situations worst. I just want to say find something that speaks to you and that helps you. Also, Im a male that has Schizophrenia, it was something that used to bother me but I somehow learned to deal with it (the figures and shit) and now I just have to deal with the physical things that Schizophrenia does, like how it affects my mindset along with how my family affects my mindset. I’ve been hit in the head so many times that I actually feel mentally retarded, although mostly now I have concurrent occasional short memory loss and inability of learning and mental stuff. That and i’ve just been getting more stupid every time im near family.
But my goal in life is to have a family of my own, my own kids to love, and to just be the best father to them and live a happier life when im an adult, rather than my shitty childhood life. Singing, music, dancing, sports, games, learning, and imaginations/dreams are my passions.
That fun shit and my life was sort of like one of the typical asian scenarios you’d think about nowadays. Like the “21 and over” movie, if you ever watched it, then you’d understand. I also used to be soo serious in elementary, i never was able to joke about things. Now I joke about alot of things, its another thing to help as a positivity. but with serious topics i lean off of joking.
Songs I just want to note that were just uplifting or really called to me.
Madeon- The City (techno), A place I dreamed of, something of a paradise feeling.
Charice – Louder (vocals), makes me feel that I can improve my self-confidence
Little Talks – Monster Of Men, I like the tune of it (tune idk)
Lost Boy – Ruth B, Just reminds me that I lost my innocence and my childhood and that just keep feeling sad isnt going to get me anywhere for my goals. (sad vocals)
Danyka Nadeau – Worth it(techno vocals), the goal of family is “worth it” to me and that its something that shines to me that makes me self determined to live up to it. and I love techno uplifts anyways.
Capo Productions – Inspire (Good Feeling,Chilling instrumentals), Something that tells me to live life well and live it with the passions you love. Makes me cry because I feel my sadness go away and feel uplifted.
Madison Beer, Lost Kings Remix(techno vocals) – I wont let you walk away, reminds me when I lost my childhood “sweetheart” because of my family intercepting the relationship. We had this thing of forever but then when she knew about my family, she left me. I know I should just walk this off because “love” isnt forever when your that young, but idk it was something that i happend to attach myself to too hard and so i deal with the pain still now.
Hellberg – This Is Forever (Ft. Danyka Nadeau, my favorite techno vocals singer, techno vocals), The determination of having my own family is forever in my mindset.
[Blanc. Coast], (the video should be posted by Djsorama or someone, the picture is of a man with a beret/hat)- The lyrics sung is something that i love, along with the acoustic guitar and the bg sounds in general.
[Glee’s version of Its Not Right but its okay], It just gives me an uplift feeling and Suicide is not right morally to some, not right in society, But its ok to those that feel that really want to close to that fate. That or when they sing “Im gonna make it anyway”, thats how I feel whenever i feel negative or when my family tries to talk me down.